I don't know why... but I wanted to look my best. I worked out. I cut my hair. I washed my face. I shaved. I dressed in my best looking outfit. I got there early... so early. I ate a good breakfast.
I remained silent.
As I look back on this morning, I don't think I really had the proper resolve. Why was I thinking about what I'd look like as I told her I'm gay, and not what I'd actually say? What's really important in this moment? Why the hell does a married woman care what I look like, especially after I've told her I'm gay. I certainly had a very low resolve indeed. I mean... we talked about boobs! We talked about my 12ish year old self watching Titanic with my sister, and what that scene must have been like for me. We talked about people being falsely accused of being homosexual. What better excuse, transition, segue could possibly come up for THAT conversation? The one where I tell my boss I'm gay. The one where this saintly woman who has borne some of her most private moments to me to empathize with my pains, sympathizes as I explain what has caused me all this pain. Why didn't I just tell her?
I sat silent... with a stupid grin on my face as I thought, "Wow, who knew I'd get such a great opening to tell her?" I sank my opportunities to finally be free of this secret known only to me and Graham's Blogdom. Let's hope I can extract the remnants of the opportunity from the bottom of the abyss. I've got to find my "big piece." (On display at the Luxor in Las Vegas! ... I should get paid for product placements.)
For now... it's just another lost opportunity. I hope another will come along. I think I thought I'd derail our work day far too much. I need a good few hours to really vent it all anyway. I may still tell her, but I don't think I can do it while we're at work.
Well, that's that. Tomorrow is another day.
I'm addicted to television. Have we talked about that? Probably not. I think I've been so depressed and disillusioned that I love the distraction. I love being taken away into another world. Right now, I'm so glad I've stuck with Breaking Bad. This final half of the final season has made it all very worth it. I think it's been so, so good.
I devour television. I can't let it go. It's often all I have to look forward to. I sometimes build my life around when I can watch. That's tragic. Especially when what I REALLY want to do is to travel... but I keep just settling for traveling through my computer screen to previously-recorded vacations to new worlds, new beings, and new places. I am never sated. I just keep coming back... expecting the hole to be filled. One day I'll find HIM. The one that can fill that void. That can travel with me. That can help me escape into reality. For now... I guess I'm stuck in reality television.
Ugh, I don't quite know or understand the context of what's going on here, but your experience with that woman sounds like a frustratingly big part of my life. It's _hard_ coming out. Don't beat yourself up over it.
ReplyDeleteTry to stay away from TV if it's stopping your progress. My poison of choice is the internet: Facebook, gay Mormon blogs, Mormon blogs, blogs like this even. It easily gets out of control.
I think I just always think that if I face things with optimism they won't be as hard as I'm afraid they will be. I just want to come out and not have it be as terrifying as it seems to be before I've ever done it. I had a dream about it last night... and it wasn't necessarily a good dream. I just have to tell myself it might be super tough... but I need to accept that and try it anyway. Does it get any easier to come out after you've done it once?
ReplyDeleteWell, I think it definitely seems harder before you've done it than it does after, that's for sure! I think it's worse telling people you've known for a long time who know you well because it feels like you've been lying to them for so long. Later on, you're only telling people who you don't know well and you'll probably have more subtle ways to work it into conversation. It probably won't be half as bad as you're fearing.
ReplyDeleteEvan, I sure hope not. I am pretty good at fearing.
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