Friday, September 27, 2013

The Racquetball Thump Heard Round The Skull & The Great Escape

Remember that one time that my brother, my friend, and I were playing racquetball?  Evidently it was tonight, but I don't remember it either!  (Joking)

I was actually playing racquetball tonight.  My friend hit the ball with some serious gusto behind me, and that's when I heard the loudest thump I've ever heard... as it hit my skull.  I reached back and couldn't find anything terribly wrong.  (If I was a liar I'd tell you that, for just a moment, I questioned whether the ball had gone inside my head.) But then my brother told me there was an indentation back there!  I felt around and found what he meant.  I spent the rest of the night reaching to the back of my head to feel it.  (It honestly wasn't until I sat in the car to leave that I found the opposing indentation on my head... reassuring me that the ball didn't cause some kind of skull collapse!)  I continued playing, and won our last game.  (Pshh, Jordan thought he was so great winning game 5 with a flu, well I won game 3 with a freakin' concussion!  (Lies again.) (About the concussion, not about me winning.)  I brag sometimes.)

So, I guess the biggest reason for telling you this riveting tale is that ... if you start reading gibberish... uh... make a comment alerting me to such, and maybe I'll go to the hospital to check for a concussion for real.  (I've passed my own tests, my brother's, and my friend's... I'm pretty positive I'm fine, but just in case.)

I came out to one more friend today.  He was a mission friend that has left the church and moved to New York City.  He's a very liberal person (we're talking left of most Democrats), and I knew he would support me as a gay man.  He did, however, kind of want to bash on the church, as some people do when they leave it behind, but I don't have any desire to do that.  I appreciate that the church has brought me a lot of happiness at times.  I appreciate that it can still bring a lot of happiness to others.  So, I don't see any point in trying to harm or even just to denigrate the church.  I just want others to respect my search for happiness, and I mean to not judge others' pursuit of the same.

Yesterday, was a good day.  I had a chat with my boss and he made me feel really appreciated.  He has been a bit bummed out that I'm leaving, but we finally talked openly about everything and it was a great conversation. (Everything work related, that is.  I just explained to him that I've had a lot of personal things going on.) Anyway, he directly implied that once he secures a few more clients, he'd be able to offer me the kind of money I need to be able to return and keep working this job.  (Oh, by the way, I'm SUPER poor due to a mound of student loan debt... long story.)  I have loved this job.  It's just such a fun environment.  That said, it hasn't been paying the bills as well as I need it to.  I'm moving on, but my boss made me feel a lot better about the whole situation.  It's nice to know I have options if my new job doesn't pan out.  (I was actually a little tempted to tell him, "Ok, I'll stay!"  That's how much I hate leaving this job.)

So, I was feeling so good yesterday that I had a really strong urge to come out to my family.  However, after talking with some goodly Moho friends (thanks guys!), I realized that I should maybe wait until I have one more normal family gathering with them.  We have a shindig planned for this Sunday... so, I've set the goal to come out to (at least) my siblings and my mom on Monday!  That's four days from now!  I'm nervous, but also excited to just be moving forward.  While I may damage the relationships I have with my family now... those relationships are at least partially built on lies, partially built on a faith I no longer have, and partially built on my inability to really truly be myself around them... and that's not how it should be.  The wise man built his house upon the rock... of truthfulness?  I think you get what I mean.  (Or is the concussion talking?)  So that's what I have to look forward to on Monday.

On Wednesday, I'll have my last day of work... and who knows what I'll tell my two bosses.  I trust them both quite a lot, but I haven't come out to them yet.  I wrote a post about almost coming out to my female boss before I had come out to anyone that knew me.  She and I have gotten very close and have shared a lot about our personal lives with each other.  I think I've almost come out to her about 4 times now, and still haven't despite her actually saying the words to me, "[Graham], are you telling me that you're gay?  Because I'm okay with that if you are."  (She was joking about something, but I actually detected that she might be partially on to me.)  I doubt I'll say anything to them now that I'm leaving.  I'm sad to go though.

Then I have Thursday through Sunday off.  So I've planned my escape.  My chance to take a quick trip to get away from all the change I'll have wrought in a week's time.  To let any problems simmer, and to just be distracted from the stressful things.  I've actually asked a few friends to go with me, (and if they can't go... I may ask some beautiful Mohos I know), but I will go alone if need be.  (I've done it before!)  I actually heard from a couple friends, "OH!  But that's conference weekend."  Each time I thought, "And... your point is?"  I've listened to two GAs in recent weeks, and each time I didn't feel anything, and I frankly think it's just the wrong time for me to try to feel anything.  Also, for the last few years, even when I have tried to faithfully listen... I always fall asleep and then just listen to the delayed recordings online the next week anyway.  So, I told my friend I'd be doing that.  (Yes, real-life Graham told a fib.)  I just want this quick getaway to be a selfish retreat to do something I like, and to get away from the churning turmoil.  I think I kind of want a celebration for how well I'm handling things these days, too.  I'm pretty damn proud of that, because I could have and I did think about quitting earlier in this process... but I don't have a bit of quit in me now.  I'm actually loving the man I can see me becoming, and that's something I haven't been able to say in years.  Thanks Homodom!

...and then I'll start my new job on that next Monday.

That's the plan... let's see where this takes us!


  1. I am very excited for you. I hope it all goes well with your family. Good luck with the new job as well. I can't wait to hear how things go.

    1. Thanks very much, Drew. I'm pretty nervous about it, but it's pretty well set in my mind as what's going to happen, and what I want to happen. What comes next? I can only hope it will be what I hope will happen.


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