Saturday, September 7, 2013

Free Agency & The Secrecy Trap

Mormons who read this (if there are any) will likely immediately assume from the title that my mention of free agency refers to the doctrinal concept associated with the fall and the plan of salvation.  Not exactly the case.  I was pleased to realize that titling this post so would create a great play on words, but I'm actually referring to the sports term.  In my confusion about who I really am, I began saying to myself "I don't know which team I play for.  I'm a free agent!"  I have alternately thought that I played for Team Straight (The Utah Saints?), Team Asexual (The Boston Celibates?), Team Bisexual (The Buffalo Bis?), and, of course, Team Gay (The Tampa Bay Gays?).  Turns out, even after all I've learned about myself and my sexuality in the last few years, I don't really know if I've been signed by any one team.  I do know 100% that I'm sexually attracted to men.  I really doubt whether I'm sexually attracted to women at all.  I've worried though, that because I've never had sex, I might not actually like it at all and that may be why I'm not very driven to have physical relationships with anyone... in other words, that I'm an asexual excepting masturbation.  Free agency is a tough place to be.  I'm just looking for a team to accept me, and I'm becoming more and more aware that I may never get signed to play ball.

And maybe that's ok.  I've realized that because of my 100% asexual nature at least until I was 25, maybe I'm the perfect person to be chosen to deal with same sex attraction and still follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  And maybe if I had discovered that I was gay before I turned 25, I could be living a gay-but-celibate lifestyle that still manages to follow Christ's gospel as I believed it to be true.  But, that's the very problem... "believed."  My testimony is a wisp of what it once was.  I don't even know if it really exists.  When I used to go faithfully and consistently to church, I would have Sundays that were incredibly uplifting and that I engaged and got a lot from, and others that I just got through... maybe bored, tired, or just feeling a bit apathetic.  Nowadays if I go to church I always fall into the latter category.  I'm just there to be in the Mormon culture, not to be uplifted or to worship.

It's this loss or severe dilapidation of my testimony that has left me feeling like I'm in a bit of a secrecy trap.  As I've said before, I want so badly to be 100% honest about who I am because I've spent so many years lying to everyone, including myself, about who I am and about other things, too.  Coming out feels like it's absolutely necessary.  Living with so much secrecy and with so little veracity is unsustainable.  I've learned this the hard way through severe depression and suicidal thoughts.  I want out of all of these lies... but I'm very aware that I can't do that without hurting people around me.  That is, unless I choose to embrace the gospel again.  Just as I feel that I no longer think I could have a strong heterosexual relationship, I don't really think I can ever reconcile the doubts, both independent of and related to my present predicament, that I've had about the church.  This is what will really hurt. The people I love most in my life will all be hurt by my separation from the church, should I choose to do so.  (Perhaps with the exception of my dad, who (even though, or perhaps because, he hasn't been an active member of the church since I was 5) will  probably be the least accepting of me being someone with same sex attraction.  I don't really trust my dad much, so I likely won't tell him for a long while anyway.)  So, if I'm going to hurt my INCREDIBLE mother, my amazing siblings, other relatives and my great friends who are virtually all active members of the LDS church by telling them that I'm gay and I don't intend to follow the gospel path... why not keep keeping the secrets?  Well, because it's unsustainable... as I mentioned.  I need at least one person I truly trust to be on my side in all of this.  I just really can't figure out who, if anyone, that should be.  Who should I hurt, at least a little?  I just get so frustrated.  I mean, there's still the good kid inside me that just wants to go back to church and do everything right and feel like I'm going to heaven and everyone can rely on me and my family doesn't have the pain that we all have dealt with in thinking that we'll be separated from my dad for eternity all over again.  (I think I need run-on sentences like this to express how quickly this stuff flows when I'm upset.  So lay off how terrible this blog's authorship is.)

Apparently I am no longer content to try to play for the Utah Saints.  Anyone want to be my agent and make a call to the front office for Boston, Buffalo, or Tampa Bay?  I'd appreciate it.


  1. Wow... how sad that in essentially saying, "I want to leave the church," I was making a lame joke. I can't believe I don't feel more emotion about that sentiment. Am I just numb? Or is it a sign that I'm that ready to move on?

  2. Should I have said the Tampa Bay Buccaqueers?


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