Sunday, November 8, 2015

A Little Drama & A Little Apathy

I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what shook me about the Mormon church's recent policy change enough to break a rather long streak of staunch apathy, and I'm pretty sure it's just been a building tension I feel with my Mormon family being held in a stasis of half-truths and rigidity. I look at the magazines the church sends out, and it sure looks like my Momo fam is getting hit with a barrage of bad news about my eternal soul. It's annoying!

(Aside: I shouldn't be blathering right now, because I don't have a lot to say that really matters, but I just feel like writing.  So here I am.)

I feel like I was overly dramatic in my last post, but I think it's also indicative of how I feel like a truce was broken.  I think I'd felt like I had struck a silent agreement that would have me just leave the church quietly without trying to take them with me, and my family would quietly accept that I was gay and live with a boyfriend without a fuss.

The church keeps interfering with this silent ceasefire. They just keep running their PR machine to make me look like I'm monstrously tearing the family unit asunder like a dog who's found some freshly finished homework.  It's all malarky!

That's really all it is for me. I know there are people who are deeply impacted by these shenanigans. For me, it's just my family relationships being carefully manipulated and meddled with.

So please, Mormon church, stop messing with my family.

I still feel apathetic about the church on the whole, but any time they look to intervene and label me something so strong as an apostate, I have to at least turn my head a bit.  (And shake it at them... and then say, "No, thanks, k, bye.")

K, bye.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

It's All So Personal & I Feel Helpless

I have thoughts.

I can't share them openly without putting my personal relationships and livelihood at risk.

I cannot be 100% authentic without risking some staples of my life.

I hate that aspect of my current job; I can't even be political.

I hate the censorship I'm under.

It's fucking stupid.

As if my personal opinions would be viewed as the opinions of the whole of the government entity for which I work.

Anyway, I'm pissed off.

I feel like I have a determined warrior inside me that wants to be at the front line--cutting deep into the bigotry, the hypocrisy, and the manipulation at hand.

I want to put my love, my life, my passions in front of their faces and tell them they cannot beat me down.

The Mormon church decided they'd block membership for children of gay parents, and call living in a gay marriage apostasy.

Whatever... it doesn't effect me, right?

No. It does. It's an awkward twist of the knife. It's forcing my believing family into logical acrobatics that will surely further damage their ability to live authentically. For worse, most of them have likely decided to stick with this bigoted oppressive church to their death beds... and yet the church keeps pushing them further into extremes of insanity.

What of it if I get married to the man I love and adopt children with him? What of it, if I give children that don't have two healthy parents to care for them a loving family home?

What god that supposedly created me this way would really be upset if I established the same committed relationship unit that my parents and billions before them have created? Would such a god really be upset to the point of demanding I be dragged before my supposed superiors to be tried like a criminal? Having my personal life dredged through like it was some salacious sandbox they could play in?

I don't fucking believe in any god like that.

The Mormon church is, as a friend recently reminded me, essentially a policy group that serves primarily white heteronormative men.

They lead their "faithful" around on leashes. Carefully crafting their policies to make the oppressed look like the evil-doers that did it all to themselves. They further drive the different to believe they're not good enough. Different is evil. Different is your own fault. You can either force yourself to quench the different, or you can quench yourself.

They do charity work, yes. They also parade what charity work they do around to serve their own purposes.

What about just doing good to ALL, and for no ulterior purpose? What about doing what we all know is right, and leaving behind your outdated bigoted shit?

My family is in the midst of all this garbage. 

They're intelligent, caring, respectful people, but they're silenced, muffled, and muted into just blobs. They're reduced to robots being forced to work the factories of Mormondom... creating bullshit.

They hold out for a reward after this life... sacrificing their lives...

I'm pleading for their lives to be restored to them.

I'm shouting from my censored perch to their hearts... hoping... that they wake up the humanity within them. That they see their lives are being sucked dry of true living, compassion, passion, and love.