Saturday, January 18, 2014

R&B & Q&A (It's a rambling post... be warned...)

Hey you.  Yes, YOU.  No, not you, or you, or you, but YOU.  
Who knows what the hell I'm talking about?
Have I ever told y'all that I get kind of hallucinaty when I have a fever?  I'm getting sick, and I think I might have a fever.  Hence, I might be slightly out of my mind.

It's Saturday, and I'm not doing anything.  This is an odd feeling.  I haven't not had plans for a whole weekend since October probably. (Shut up, I know it's a double negative, but it worked in that instance!)  Pretty great that I got sick this weekend, right?  I'm counting myself pretty lucky.  But having this time to myself has lead to reflection time.  Reflection time has made me a little blue that I am still alone. However, it has also been a great chance to see that I do NOT have the blues anymore.  (The year before I came out in October I would be content if I did something with one of the weekends of any given month.  I became reclusive from my friends and family. I never did anything, so it was amazing to suddenly have dates and friends to hang out with all the time.) Honestly... I am about 99.9% sure that I don't have depression at all anymore.  Yes, I just said I'm blue... but that's just loneliness.  Not depression.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not lethargic for no good reason.  (In fact, despite being sick I still want to go work out... depressed me would have wanted to go buy a dozen donuts... for serious.)

Let's think about this from the vantage point of the four main causes of my depression that I felt before coming out of the closet.  First, I have lost a bit of weight, and the gay guys I've dated have been quite complimentary.  I've worked out fairly consistently, too, so I've never felt more confidence in my personal appearance than I do now.  Not only that, but I'm confident in who I am to the point that much of my anxiety about others' judgments has melted away.  I even dance like an idiot in clubs!  That was NEVER me before.  I don't care that I lack rhythm. I get over it and just dance for fun! So, there goes one of the four main causes of my depression.

My religion was another... and well... as you know, I'm not really doing that anymore.  I still feel pretty great about what I've taken from it, and I'm not constantly wanting to bury myself under a pile of rocks because of the crushing guilt I always felt.

My career was another reason I felt depressed.  Yeah, not much has changed there, but I did start making career moves that are setting me up to do better in the future.  I've pretty well sorted out the general direction I want to go.  I want to work with people.  I need my career to make a difference in other peoples' lives.  Whatever that may mean for my day-to-day duties.  And I have a goal income level.  I read some study that spoke about the amount of money you need to make in America to have as happy a family as you can... and it's a very attainable amount for me.  So, while that isn't all figured out, I have no doubt I can get there.

The last thing causing my depression?  Loneliness.  I was so lonely in the closet.  All alone.  I didn't even realize I was in a closet half the time.  I was that lost!  Well, fuck the closet.  I'm out to everyone that matters in my life.  I'm even considering really really coming out to everyone that knows me these days, because I still haven't had a single regret from ANYONE that I've come out to.  It's always been a freeing thing for me.  But... part of the loneliness thing is that I've never had a real relationship.  I feel really really great about the strides I've made in dating over the last few months.  But I'm starting to wonder one of my old sad wonders... will I never have a real relationship?  I'm only 3 months in to gay dating, so it's fairly understandable that I haven't found someone that I want a relationship with and that wants a relationship with me. But sometimes I get concerned that I have a personality that no one that I am really drawn to will be able to connect with the insane man that I am.  Even though I know I'm hard for people to connect with, I still really like me.  (That feels so awesome to write and mean it.  I'm being honest.  I like me!  I used to hate me.  A lot.)  I figure eventually I'll find him.  You, if you're reading.  Ha!  That would be spectacular!  Quit reading though and come nurse me back to health so we can make out, you idiot!  (Yeah... I'ma say that's the fever talking and not my insane self.  :)  )

Anyway, back to YOU.  I keep wondering what you're like.  Love is still entirely enigmatic to me.  I wonder if you're a friend, an acquaintance, a man from my past, someone I just haven't noticed, if you're a Grindr creep, if you're someone I've professed to not like, if you're someone I'm crushing on, or if you're just going to stumble into my life at any moment now or 10 years from now.  Hey! I wrote you a poem the other day!  Wanna hear it?

In Your Arms

I want to die in your arms.
It sounds so dreadfully romantic.
They say you start dying sometime in your 30s.
I can't really get behind that mode of thinking.
Living is living.
Maybe we slow down, maybe we break down, maybe we falter.
Dead is dead, living is living.
I want to live in your arms.
There's a romantic phrase to live for.
I want to find you, unlock you, seal you mine,
and then...
I'll live in your arms.

Sorry reader who has made it this far... I really am rambling aren't I?  (I guess I still care about others' opinions of my writing. But I'm sick and a little bored... so I'm going to keep writing.)

I found this list of 100 questions to ask a potential gf/bf.  I've selected a few at random, and I'm going to answer them for YOU.  (Ha, still pretending that you're reading this.)

1. Where do you visualize yourself in 5 years, 10 years?

In 5 years, I will be about to turn 33.  I imagine myself very settled into a great career that involves perhaps guiding/consulting with people on their small business ventures.  I am in a great long-term relationship with a slightly older guy that constantly convinces me to take vacations to new places with him.  I am mostly in charge of my working schedule, so I can afford to do that.  He's a... teacher of some kind?  (Sure, why not?) We probably live together in Salt Lake?  My family has actually met him and likes him.  I'm out to everyone, and though there are the struggles that come with life... I have someone to help me through them, and to help through his own struggles.  I feel fulfilled by the mutual love we have for one another.  I look amazing!  (Hey!  I like this question!  :) )  10 years?  I'm about to turn 38.  Maybe me and 5 year guy worked, and maybe we didn't, but in 10 years YOU are definitely in my life.  We are freaking husbands!  We probably have a house (not too lavish, but in an incredible location).  We also have a beach house in California or some other (no duh) coastal locale.  We are waiting for the chance to adopt a child.  The wait is killing us, but we have each other to get through it.  I've sold a business, and am doing more consulting work.  He has published a best-seller in the dining category.  He has perfected the art of coming up with new dishes on the fly.  He is also an incredible dinner party host.  My dog has gotten kind of old, but he has become the king of the amateur racing league we've gotten him involved in.  Life is good!
2. Have you had an experience you would say has impacted the direction of your life?
Hells yes!  Quitting on the professional school I quit from gave me the confidence to make very difficult life decisions and to say "Damn my critics!"  I think that's why coming to grips with my homosexuality and coming out of the closet went so quickly and relatively smoothly for me.  It has helped me become who I am now.  A happy man!
37. Do you have any political opinions?  Ha... ha... hahaha... um... YES!  I have actually been actively involved in politics in the past.  Unfortunately, I wasn't really into the candidates I helped for political reasons.  Each time it was for the resume addition or money.  Ha!  I love staying up with politics, but it has become increasingly frustrating as I've realized I don't know a single politician that I can trust.  I honestly want a new party to rise up that sticks to its standards and doesn't sell the people out for cheap political gains.  These manipulative beasts we have running the show now are a train wreck.  As for my opinions on particular subjects... ask me I guess!
40. What do you think is the key to good parenting?  Knowing when to stand firm, and when to let your kids make some mistakes.  My mother taught me this when she let me make friends with a couple idiots.  I learned quickly that I didn't enjoy the trouble and stupidity that was my friendship with them... and I grew from the experience.  She also always expected me to hold certain standards, but it was always my choice to do so, and I appreciate that.  
48. What is your dream job? Roller coaster critic.  (Who somehow gets paid an adult salary?)
50. Which living celebrity/author/singer would you like to know?
Jon Hamm........ biblically  ;)  Ok, no... for real... it would probably be Bono.  Think of the incredible conversation, the amazing parties, and the music.  He could probably help me figure out how I can actually make a difference in this world. 
51. If you could meet a famous dead person, whom would you like to meet?
Jesus.  No question.
60. If you are allowed to do just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Hmmm... sex or travel... too hard to choose.  What an outlandish question!
70. If you have three wishes, what would you wish for?
Uh, 1. perfectly imperfect husband, 2. world peace, 3. for science to find a way for two gay men to have kids of their own??? (Without labor pains at all... hahaha...)    (I just saw a cute family hike past my house together... hence I'm thinking about kids.  :)  )
87. What are your expectations of me?  I expect you to be patient with me.  I expect you to try to improve and build our relationship as much as we can.  
88. Did you ever want to kill someone?  I don't think I've ever felt that violent toward anyone.  Maybe when I heard about a child molester or terrorist I felt that for a moment, but I generally only want to kick people in the shin/punch them in the face if they're actually in my life and I feel violent toward them at all.  
91. What would you do without electricity for 3 days?  Cry.  JK... I'd go camping and fishing.
94. Where are some places you like to go on dates?  Restaurants.  Eating and talking together is one of my favorite things in the world.  Being in nature.  Adding beautiful scenery to the mix usually always helps.  Fun places, too.  I always have fun at amusement parks.

Kind of odd for an anonymous blogger to tell you all about me.  I'm either really bored or really out of it to think this is a good idea!  


It's my blog, deal with it bitches!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Mustering the Muster & The Listless Life

I have tried to muster the whatever it takes for me to write on this blog a few times this past month to no avail.  For whatever reason, we all seem to wax philosophical, possibly poetic, and (for some) full of hope for what lies ahead when an arbitrary calendar system shifts a number upward.  A 3 is a 4 now, and we're all suddenly better, brighter, bolder, and braver.  While my tone may sound negative toward this annual renaissance that seems to sweep through many of our lives, I actually feel that it doesn't seem like it hurts. I mean, what's so bad about all of us looking at our past 365 (or 366) days and thinking... "What happened?"  "Did I like what happened?"  "Can I make things better?"  "How can I make things better?"  ?  Nothing.  Nothing is bad about this.

I've spoken of the sort of apathy I've felt toward my religion of late, and I think my apathy miasma has extended outward to encompass the usual customs of self improvement, personal ambition, and seeking a higher plain of living that permeate my general environment and culture.  In other words... I haven't thought once about resolutions until just now when I thought about blogging.  I still don't know if I have anything to say about them, if I'm going to make them, or what they'd be.  I guess I'm just remarking on how odd it is that I haven't thought about them.  A few years back I thought quite a lot about them because I gave the New Year-ish lesson in priesthood about setting goals, etc.  I wrote an elaborate list of ideas for changing almost every "important" aspect of my life.  ...I'ma dig those up right now... found them:
  • 1.    Run or lift weights at least 2 times EVERY week.  
  • 2.    Develop my abilities to be understanding within my relationships.  Start by striving to let my mom know how much I care, and with [Insert name of a girl I was dating here] and any other personal relationships, make sure I listen to needs.
  • 3.    Say a prayer before leaving the house EVERY day.
  • 4.    Attend the temple at least once per month.
  • 5.   
    • A. Get to church on time each week.
    • B.  Attend all three meetings.
    • C.  Prepare to learn as best I can from each of the hours.
  • 6.    Be more comfortable bearing my testimony to those close to me, and then, therefore, be able to attempt to share the gospel with others.
  • 7.    Write in my journal at least once a month, and bear my testimony of the things the Lord has blessed me with/the experiences that have grown my testimony.
...Evidently I was pretty set on looking at the church and life accomplishments as a check list.  If I check all these seven boxes off... I'll be happy and righteous.

Well... I wasn't happy. No matter how good I tried to be, I could never find happiness.  I only got more and more depressed.  I'm happy now--I truly am.  How to explain that?  Maybe it's the apathy?  Maybe it's that I've finally figured out why I could never really identify who I was?  Maybe I'm finally free (for the most part) of the crushing anxiety I constantly felt about others' opinions of me?  Maybe I've rid myself of a church I didn't believe in?  I think most likely, it could be that I'm free of the checklist.  I don't have these boxes that must be checked for happiness to ensue.  That eternal marriage box loomed so so so large.  I just couldn't seem to get the pen anywhere near it to remove it from the grand list of happiness-providing stuff.  Checking boxes didn't really do much for me, really.  I think I got a false sense of comfort and got pride that I could show off my checked boxes to others.

So, shall we just get to the big finish?  This year, I'm going to live free of a check list.  I'm not going to try to squeeze my life into that shape that my culture, you, and even I have spent years telling me to sculpt it into.  I'm after happiness, and I suppose that this listless (hmm... that has multiple meanings, don't it?) life is how I've come to find it.  I'm still trying to also conquer the enigma of love along with all this happiness and general contentment... but that's another story.