Sunday, March 30, 2014

Sömebödy Just Learned How To Do Ümlauts & HOLY HELL!!!

So, I just discovered that Blogger will let me do all sorts of čräžÿ ãçćėñtš ń' śtüff if I just hold down the key for the letter that has those options.  GREAT?!  HUH?!

So, I was contemplating writing some great post about dating and how I'm really terrible at ever finding a boyfriend (and I never really had a girlfriend either), but wouldn't you all rather hear a crazy story about how I could have been killed if I didn't come out of the closet?!

Ok, so... I am a strong person that fought through a great deal of depression as I dealt with coming to terms with my sexuality and what that meant for my religious upbringing.  In the midst of that depression, I strongly considered committing suicide, but much to my present elation, that never happened.  After surviving the lowest low to which I ever plummeted, I really rebounded quite well, and part of that I think I owe to this blog.  It helped me get a lot of my feelings out that I just didn't have anyplace else to release.  And then there were awesome Mohos who started chiming in, giving me advice, and making me feel not so alone.  I got the courage to come out of the closet to myself, come out to my family and friends, and I started changing my life for the better as I gained a lot more self-confidence.  This lead me to changing jobs, and ultimately moving from the basement apartment where I lived when this blog began. Which leads me to the point of all of this... when this blog began, I wrote this post.  The most important excerpt from that post for right now is this:

For some stupid reason I can't get a thought out of my head that keeps creeping up, as if it were important.  Just to prove my brain wrong on that point, I'm going to expound it to you now... as I was laying on the floor/debris/shorts (florbrisorts), I was staring up at the terrible ceiling of this dark basement bedroom I'm holed up in.  It has a huge area that was clearly finished long after the rest of the ceiling... so it makes me wonder if at some point the floor caved in on a poor tenant of the past, that was laying on his florbrisorts.  See... there, dumb brain.  They agree with me.  It was a totally pointless anecdote, with no real purpose or entertainment value.  A tangent not worth exploring.
OH, HOW WRONG YOU WERE, GRAHAM!  How wrong you were.

I recently had a chat with the disagreeable roommate that continued to live there while the rest of were moving away. He informed me that that exact area of ceiling that was the subject of my seemingly pointless tangent just 8 and a half months ago collapsed!  Surely the odds of me being in the middle of that room at the moment it came crashing down are slim to nil, but it could have happened!  If I hadn't gotten out of the funk I was in and continued in the depression that was endemic to my previous two years of life, I might have just continued shutting myself in that dark basement room... only to be crushed by some plaster.  (What a way to go!)

Guys... I'M ALIVE!!!

And it's fücking great.

You made it through another post!  Here's a prize:

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I'm Wondering & Specialization of Labor

While some of you may have assumed my previous post meant I was done writing on this blog, that's obviously not true.  I just don't think I have much more to say that is groundbreaking for the Moho readership I have.  I suppose I could just resume the initial direction this blog was taking in a very tell-all-blunt-spewing-of-everything-in-my-brain type of style.  However, that only worked because I was 100% anonymous.  Now, quite a few people know who Graham really is.  And thus, whether I like it or not, to one degree or another I hold back on the complete ridiculous honesty with which this all began.

None of what I was just writing about is important, but I felt some explanation was necessary.

Today I'm here because it's my blog and I've got to write.  I think writing is to me what sex apparently was to Elaine on Seinfeld.*  If I don't do it, the bags just start piling up in my head. Evidently it doesn't really matter whether it's just me spewing my opinions on life here, or whether I write some love poem for the latest man causing me pining, warmth, or agony, or whether I write some stupid life advice that everyone can ignore on my Facebook page.  I just NEED to write.

So today, I'm here writing about how I'm wondering how connected humanity is.  Not just connected, but connected to the point that we opt to interact, reach out, intercede, withdraw, or communicate at a certain impactful time. These are the instances that make us think, "Wow, how did they know to do that at just that time?" I've had my own reasons for pondering this of late, but I was also reading this post from a fellow Moho blogger and it got me thinking all the more about this stuff.  There are so many names and conceptions for this facet of the human race (or for why we act in such ways) which has me pondering.  A few with which I'm quite familiar (meaning I have heard references to these throughout my life) include:

  • A mother's intuition.  
  • The Holy Spirit.  
  • Fate.  
  • Intuition. (Just in the character trait sense.)
  • Gut-feelings.

I know there are likely many, many others.†

The point is, that I don't know what I believe exactly about this, but I do feel that there is some level of ability for humans to have sudden, unreasoned intuitions about other humans with whom they are close, and to act in time to intercede with danger, harm, or maybe even good things. (However, I suppose my only experience with someone having a sort of intuition for knowing when to intercede negatively in my life was a roommate with an uncanny ability to get in the shower (at completely different times of day) just as I went to grab my towel.)  I tend to think that something about us has the ability to maintain some connection despite physical distance, time, and maybe even life.  (I mentioned once that I felt at one time in my life as though I was in some way interacting with my grandpa who had passed.) However, it doesn't present itself often, so I'm still pretty open to the idea that it's all just coincidence.  There are such limited experiences in any one person's life of feeling this concept that I think it's not at all improbable that coincidences happened each time.  On my mission, I largely only told three stories about how I'd gained a testimony of prayer.  Each of them involved an interaction with one other person. I can look at each and tell you exactly how completely absent any supposed communion with God, the exact same thing would have happened.  (Save one of them where the time I spent praying may have actually changed events if I hadn't used the time that way.) And I can look at each of them and point out the absolute triviality of the "blessing" that occurred. (They really weren't miracles.)  Honestly, I look at each story now, and I see coincidences.

Despite all of this talk, I had an experience recently that made me seriously ponder whether people can be intuitive to the point that they know just when to intercede.

Wow... I just realized I'm not going anywhere with this.  So, I am actually just writing for the sake of hearing myself write.

I will say this much... I think people who think enough about others and often enough, just stand a very good chance of getting their timing just right.  I think this explains my most recent experience.  Sometimes it's just that a person cares enough about the goings on in the life of the other person, that they get it just right.  To the point that we're stunned.  Even if there is nothing environmental or magical about this, it's still a pretty beautiful concept.  The idea that one of us cares enough for another of us to act in such ways is pretty powerful in and of itself. Add in impeccable timing, and it's something we really take note of--we even come up with varying theological, physiological, or mystical concepts to explain it.


I've also been thinking lately about specialization of labor.  Humanity's agreement that we would all start doing specific things.  WHY DID WE DO THIS?!  I can't seem to find my specialization that's going to contribute to the rest of you.  I'm too damn interested in doing too damn many things that I can't muster the energy to stick with any one damn thing!  I think I need to actually practice my writing, fix it up (a lot), and make it my living.  I mean... if I just HAVE to write to clear away the cobwebs... doesn't that mean it's something I'm pretty passionate about?  Somebody just use your intuition and call me right now to offer me an incredible full-time position where I just get to write about whatever shit is in my brain.... right........ NOW!

(It didn't happen. None of you care enough about me.)

*"To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Abstinence"

 In fact, my research into some concepts that I thought might be similar were fruitless, but I'm sure there are more out there.  For instance, qi (we pronounce it "chee"), traditionally from Chinese culture, has more to do with your life energy interacting with the environment and what you take into your body. Also, karma is more about acts themselves (of all varieties, not just well-timed intercessory actions) rather than the reasoning behind them.