Saturday, February 8, 2014

Necessary Sharing & Shifts of Focus

"...the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot."

Yeah, this was an absolutely necessary thing for me to share with someone!  For some reason I ended up here.  Hopefully this isn't a sad thing for you to watch, and hopefully you feel, as I do, it's a great reminder to just cherish the life you have and help others to enjoy their life, too.  Be nice to your fellow dot-sharers!

I mentioned that I don't know why I ended up sharing this here, and I don't know that I'll be likely to blog too much more often on this blog.  Why?

  1. I don't have depression about my gayness at all anymore.
  2. I don't really seek out advice on reconciling my Mormonness and Gayness anymore, and I doubt I have any helpful general advice or stories that you can empathize with that I haven't already shared.
  3. Because I am very happy in my present state, my focus has largely shifted to dating (which is a very personal matter) and my career (which you likely don't give a shit about.)  
  4. Basically, this blog isn't serving much of a purpose for me anymore.  While I could continue to come here once a month and tell you how incredibly happy I am now that I'm out of the closet, done with the church, and dating men... I think you've probably gathered that from just one or a few of my posts.  I'm great!  
If you have any questions whatsoever for me about anything, and I mean ANYthing... please write to me at graham cracker lawrence at gmail dot com.  I will happily answer questions and do my utmost to help you on your fun adventure on this pale blue dot.

Bye!  (At least for now.)

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Risks & Time

I take risks more now than I ever have before in my life.  In a risky maneuver a couple years back, I left a career path that could have assured me decent employment, and the fact that I left it may end up having negative ramifications for a long time to come. I came out of the closet and left the church that has provided my world view and foundation for living behind.

I came out to almost everyone I know on Facebook.

I feel like I'm constantly telling everyone about how different I am now than I was a few years ago.  So much has changed for so much the better that it's almost unconscionable to me that I could have been living so blind to the happiness that was out there for me.  I can't believe I was so stupid that I didn't start taking risks sooner.  I was so judgmental about risk, too.  Other people that were willing to take risks seemed like the dumb ones... how wrong I was!

  • Friends are going snowboarding: Why would I risk injury like that?  You all come back so injured! Plus, what about the money!
  • The natural compulsion I've always had to travel the world stifled by doubts about the risks involved leads me to judge free spirits that roam the globe: I better save my money.  You're not going to have money when you need it because you're always spending so much on travel.
  • Subconsciously... love: It's too risky to commit.  I could get hurt.  There could be a painful rejection or breakup.  Even worse... what if I commit completely and then screw it up? What if my committed marriage or long term relationship ends up as sub-par as my parents'?
  • Leaving the church: Well, you're an idiot if you leave the church.  You're going to have instant gratifications, sure, but what are you going to do with that crappy estate in heaven?
  • Coming out of the closet: What if you lose your family?  What if all your friends hate you?  What if you get hate crimed?
Take some fucking risks, Graham... and you, dear reader.  Take some risks.  I may look like a fool... but believe me if it's being foolish living truly happily, then I'll gladly take my dunce cap and enjoy this warmth that has filled my life.  

Risks have led me to become a man that is truly happy and pretty well sorted.  That said, I still have never had a real relationship, but I've never felt more ready for one.  Can't wait.  

It feels like I've been dating men for a long long time--it has only been 3 months.  I've realized that time is moving very slowly for me of late.  That is AWESOME.  I wondered if that's because my perspective has changed from an eternal to an earthly one.  If this is a tiny test, a blip in the eternities, it doesn't matter much and flies by too quickly.  But if this earthly life is all the life I'm given to live out my passion, my love, my thoughts, my feelings... every second is all the more important.  I used to just hope to die while being worthy of a temple recommend.  Now I hope to die having really lived.  Having experienced all that my soul desires.  

So, when I exasperate, "Ugh, I've been dating for so long and I still can't find him!"  The real truth is that I haven't been dating for so long.  I'm just very conscious of each day I'm given.  And even the unsuccessful dating I've done has been very worth the while.  Some great guys and experiences have come from it!  

I used to be someone that literally did nothing but eat, sleep, and surf the Internet for entire days, and even days on end!  Now I've embraced life to the point that I struggle to find free time for things. I'm busy, and I'm happy.  It's good stuff.