Friday, September 13, 2013

Baby Steps & Hawk-eyed Amoebas

Well, I've made a small milestone.  Someone who at least knows my first name (my REAL first name) and what I look like knows that I am gay.  He also now has my phone number.  I've been chatting with a guy on a dating site, and I just appreciate how open he is.  It's the first time I've ever given someone my number from a dating site, too.  (I never got that far with girls.)  He's probably too young for me dating wise, but I sure appreciate him already as a friend.  He's a caring guy.  So, yay for a baby step in the direction of being free of my secrets.

I can't help but compare my approach to dating guys to how I used to approach dating women.  I think I'm already a lot more comfortable with talking to men.  Turns out, I might not be "terrible at dating" as I've said of myself for about a decade.  This should be taken with a grain of salt, though, as I'm still not actually dating.  I just feel more at ease with all the stuff that comes before dating.  Turns out that if you're physically attracted, it makes it easier to find the confidence to do all the pre-dating rituals.  All that said, however, I still feel that I have a fatal flaw with men that I had with women, too.  I have always really wanted the guys or gals that are far beyond my reach.  I'll start quietly obsessing about trying to pursue someone who I think is amazing... and then I'll find out that I'm in line behind a hundred other people.  As was the case with my roommate (who, much to my devastation, has now moved far away), I tend to want people that are really popular.  I think my roommate that moved out probably has about 60 to 70 beautiful girls (HONESTLY) that would agree to ten dates with him up front.  He's just one of those people that can't be bothered with being a loser at all.  So, to spend more than a nanosecond of my time trying to overcome the queue of girls, (yes, GIRLS, he's straight, to boot) is a completely farcical endeavor. I also realized that with the hundreds of friends he has, I guarantee that he has at least a few MEN in line ahead of me, too!
I just can't help getting the butterflies when I think about he and I though.  He's an all around great human.  I, on the other hand, have issues.  I'm not the most attractive guy, (shocker) I lack confidence, and I am not super motivated in life.  I don't have a lot of friends, and I'm still trying to find out who I am at 27.

I did this kind of thing with girls, too.  However, I have recently assumed that it could have been a defense mechanism against having to deal with my sexuality.  If I go after the beautiful girl that I know won't pick me (and if she does start to pick me... I'll freak out and make things complicated), then I won't need to ever be in a relationship that might require me to deal with sex.  The majority of the hints I had at my sexuality when I would let it be a part of my thought processes probably reenforced this non-dating dating method with women.

For whatever reason, though, I'm at it again with men.  I just have to want the wrong people for some reason.  I have developed a crush on a man that lives on the other side of the world.  He's beautiful.  He's popular.  He seems like a winner.  He doesn't know I exist.  The chance that I will ever get to be with him are this big:
(I made a dot with a font so tiny that a hawk-eyed amoeba couldn't see it.)

I know I'll keep figuring things out.  I will hold out hope that I'll meet an amazing someone that won't realize that they're one of these incredible humans that shouldn't even spend time with me.  I'll trick them into dating me.  It will be great.

See!?  I ended on a positive note!  Things are looking up for old "Graham!"

P.S. I wish I were a more patient writer.  I might actually write something people will not only read, they'll actually enjoy.  I must say that I'm pretty damn proud of the amoeba picture though.  :-)


  1. hey..Write what you feel. I enjoy reading what people write about themselves. I'm just a curious guy. The younger guy you are interested in may see you as the older guy he's been dreaming of but has felt they were out of his league. Who cares about the size of the crowd if you are the one that stands out to him. And enjoy the journey.

  2. Thanks Adon. "Enjoy the journey," always advice I need and like to hear. Between your good advice and a text from "the younger guy," I have a smile on my face. Thanks!

  3. It's kind of freeing, isn't it? I've met somebody on one of those things, too, and it's great to just be honest with someone. We just text, and we may meet up as friends - I'd love for it to be more, but I just can't bring myself to date. But it's still nice to be my true self to someone.

    1. Yeah, it is a small consolation with a large issue steadily looming to have at least a tiny victory in sharing my face and first name. I've been surprised at how at ease I've felt about all of it. I'm sure if I start really dating I'll get a lot more uneasy. Anyway, yes, it's nice to have a small respite to be me.

  4. The thing that comes to me, reading this, is "if you never try, you'll never know."

    Usually I try and then I know that he's out of my league by virtue of straightness. Occasionally he's just out of my league and not interested. But I'd rather know than wonder.

    1. Yeah, I have no idea what could happen. At this juncture I pretty much have nothing to lose except outing myself to someone who probably is a good enough person to never tell anyone that knows me. As for the other guy... I don't know how it could work... but it's always worth trying something. Thanks for the reminder. :)

  5. I'm actually hanging out on Thursday with someone in a similar situation. The first person he ever told was gay was this guy he met on a dating site (my neighbor). It seems to have given him the courage to tell at least one of his friends, though I've only heard that through my neighbor.

    How did you become smitten with the guy on the other side of the world? You might as well find a reason to say hi, no?

    Your writing is definitely interesting. Patience is overrated with blogging!


Say whatever you want.