Saturday, September 28, 2013

Scary-Apt Pop Songs & Slumps

What I first thought was just another over-produced pop song from a band that I formerly knew and loved as a local stand-out, has seriously changed my mind upon a few extra listens.  I have a personal connection to the band Imagine Dragons, so I knew quite a lot about them before they were popular.  I think I honestly have their rise to fame to blame for my latest foray into listening to top-40 music.  (Pop music was something I used to abhor out of solidarity with my favorite indie bands.  Well, that's what I would have told you.  The truth is that I was just another (music) hipster in the making that thought I was cooler than the in-crowd for liking things that were different.)  So, anyway, when they make new music, I pay attention.  Just tonight I came across the song "Monster," which is apparently a new single they've just released.

Like I said, at first I just thought it was trying a little too hard.  But then I actually listened to the lyrics, and I guess because these past few months I've been in the most fragile emotional state I've ever been in (and because I've been kind of depressed today), I started tearing up a bit (I don't cry, I just "tear up.")  It became just all too apt for the situation I'm in as I come out and admit that I'm gay.  I mean, I just wrote a post partially entitled "I'm A Monster..." the other day. (granted, that was actually in reference to how I keep blogging too much... as I'm currently doing.  But the rest of the post may as well have been referring to that part of the title, too.)  I just really wanted to share this because lyrically it fit how I've felt so much lately.  (FYI, it just charted at 78 on Billboard.  Which likely means that even I will hear it more than I want to.)  The lyrics that really hit me: "Can I clear my conscience, if I'm different from the rest.  Do I have to run and hide?  I never said that I want this, this burden came to me, and it's made its home inside.  If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me?  And if I seem dangerous, would you be scared?"

Seems kind of fitting right?  Yeah... but they made this song for a video game, so I'm sure Dan Reynolds wasn't thinking about his secret homosexual side.  (No, I don't know that about him, nor do I know him personally.)

I really wanted to hold off on posting until I had something real for you to read about.  And things are definitely about to get real.  But as I've said before, I'm a needy guy.  I'm always needing to get some thought out of my mind and to have someone tell me that it's not unusual, it's not boring, it's not horribly pitiful... or whatever else I'm feeling like I am, or that my actions are.

Like I said, though, I've been kind of depressed today.  I wasn't going to go to work today, and then I lucked out and my boss told me to work from home anyway.  I didn't accomplish much of anything.  I was supposed to write/edit about 32 pages worth of stuff today... and I wrote/edited about 8.  Why is it that I always seem to have a slump after I feel like I have a handle on my depression?  Am I freaked out about actually feeling good?  Am I scared that I'll miss the crutch of always blaming my depression for everything I do wrong or that I'm not good enough at?  Or is it just because I further realized that just because I may be accomplishing a lot by way of accepting myself, coming out, and moving on that things still won't be easy?  Or did I just need something to whine about on here again?  Ya know... I don't love reading others' posts when they hit depressive states.  I hope at least my attempts at humor (although sarcastic and self-deprecating) at least somewhat make up for this kind of stuff.

Hey, I could always draw another dumb animal!

I know that everything will be okay, but sometimes I need a day to panic and/or shut down.  Today was definitely a shut down day.  Well, I'm going to get a bunch more shit done tonight... so maybe after I sleep it off tomorrow, I'll be ready to kick some more gayness ass.  (Hmm... that sounds a little like I'm about to start attacking gay people doesn't it?)  Let's try, I'll be ready to slay some gay hurdles.  (Nope, now I'm just picturing slicing track hurdles (that are in love with each other, and I assume they're the same gender (but how am I to know hurdle gender?)) in half with a sword.)  Let's try, I'll be ready to just kick life's face in the ass.  (Whatever, good enough.)

Pop quiz!  How many parenthetical statements made an appearance in this blog post?
A: 8
B: 13
C: 23


  1. Haha, I also am finding myself increasingly drawn to certain kinds of pop, despite being firmly rooted in metal and post rock. This is a fairly recent development, though, so all my memorable coming-out songs are from my go-to genres and not pop. I think pop is getting better these days though, no? The electronic dance music influence is totally worthwhile.

    Sounds like you're just under a lot of stress and there's a lot going on. Makes sense that you would have a few off days as well. Hopefully you are resting up well for the coming week. It sounds like it's going to be an exciting couple of days coming up

    Parenthetical statements are the best. Definitely my clutch and weakness in writing. I just have a hard time filtering out the meta-data from what I want to say.

    1. Yes, parenthetical statements are like my real voice reaction to whatever I'm writing about. Apparently I never have just one voice going on in my head when I write!

      Yeah, I was just having a hard time acknowledging how tough what I'm asking myself to do really is. Others take years and years to build up to outing themselves, but I'm trying to get it done after just a couple months. It's a lot, but I can hack it.

      I agree with you that modern electronic influence on pop music has made it a lot more palatable to me. And really, it's likely just that I was getting into electronic music, and because that's now a staple of pop, I'm more into pop stuff.


Say whatever you want.