Saturday, September 21, 2013

Needy & Inspired

Sometimes I hate how needy I can be.  I think we're all a little needy, (except maybe true hermits), but I feel like I'm overly needy sometimes.  Not that I ask for help all the time, because I DON'T.  I'm terrible at asking for help.  What I mean is that I constantly crave admiration for the things I care about, and I'm unsettled if I don't feel like I have it.  I think I'm pretty pitiful because I care so much about people reading this blog.  That's stupid.  Seriously... this blog is about me.  It's for me.  It's for me to figure this gayness out.  It's for me to sort out my thoughts before I make big decisions.  (TANGENT: Hey, good news, despite whining right now, I'm definitely enjoying my dog's sleep barking at this moment!)  It's not about followers.  It's not about comments.  It's not about notoriety.  If those things come, I'm obviously happy about them... but they aren't what should matter to me most about this place.  It's where I can FINALLY quit all the lies and tell my truths.  Finally.  

That said, I like the interactions I have with other Mohos a great deal.  They inform my decisions, my feelings, and give shape to some of the more unidentifiable things I'm experiencing.  They also inspire me a great deal.  I have loved so many blog posts and the voices behind them, but this week I'm feeling particularly inspired by this post: .  The short of it, is that he wrote a letter to come out to his family with.  I want to do the same.  When I have difficult conversations... I NEVER say exactly what I want, and I certainly never remember to say everything I want to say.  When I write... I can spew everything and more.  I can edit, pare down, spruce up, bolster... it's just my comfort zone when it comes to difficult admissions, questions, or answers.  Why wouldn't I stay in my comfort zone for spilling the beans to my family?  I've tried to make real life conversations happen for coming out, but the only time I've been brave enough to be successful in coming out was sending a Facebook message.  I'm going to steal a page from the book of whoever TR Unfiltered is.  I'm writing a letter.  I'm going to do it today.  And... I'm setting a goal to send it to at least one friend.  I'm not trying to force this process... I just know that I could use some pushes here or there.  And having more people that support me just sounds great.  I just need to convince myself that there's no harm in asking for help.  I'm done letting suicidal thoughts scare me.  I'm going to, for once, ask for help from so many loved ones that I'll have a base around me to fortify me from such thoughts.  They may still come, but at least I'll be able to reach out... and won't be alone with my secrets, my pains, and my struggles.  

I generally don't have a problem loving others, but loving myself is always a struggle.  I do love myself, though, and it's about time I prove it by being myself and ending the lies.  Protecting my health and happiness is worth some pain and sadness in some of my friends and family.  I can't keep letting the lies pull us apart.  I need truth to cut, sting, and heal these relationships.  Go me!

I can't let this post stay so damn somber... how about a giraffe?!


  1. yeah! a shout out! Confession - I just went back and read all of your posts. I think Evan mentioned not knowing which one to comment on. Agreed. So many thoughts.

    Keep writing;)

    1. Thanks, TR. I'm actually having a really bad night, so I'd appreciate any and all comments you have time/energy to make! :) Thanks for encouraging me, though. And a bigger thanks for inspiring me to write a letter. (I might not share it for a century, but at least writing it is a step!)

  2. Hi Graham!

    I love your blog. That's all there is to it. I want you to know that you've actually helped me a ton through writing it :)

    Also...I wrote a letter, too. Well...not a letter...a blog post. Looking back, I have NO idea what I was thinking when I did it, but it has brought me some of the best experiences I've ever had in my life. I wrote parts of it, sat on it, wrote some more, sat again, and eventually decided to post it and share the link with family and friends. And, honestly, the feedback from the people that I've shared it with has been amazingly and genuinely supportive. Much more than I could have ever hoped.

    But here's the I'm thinking I should have sat on it a little bit more. I wrote it while I was on a very spiritual high. And so I included a part about me living up to my covenants - that I have, and always plan to. Now (only a couple of weeks later) I'm not so sure. I came out so I wouldn't be as lonely. Now I'm feeling like I'll be just as lonely now unless I actually date and find a Mr. Right. And I think I may want to sometime. But I've opened up a can of worms by telling people my plan to stay a worthy member of the church, so I worry the "support" I'm getting is because they want to help me stay worthy - not because they are accepting who I am.

    SO...moral of the story. Write your story. Share it. You won't regret it. But make sure you say exactly what you want to say in it :) And If you want to talk to them about the dating aspects (whether you plan to or not), be careful. I had one person (before I posted) tell me that it wasn't any of my family or friends' business if I stayed worthy, and I shrugged it off. But that's my advice to you - tell them who you are. Shout it from the rooftops. But leave little details like that out - because if you change your mind, or are even questioning it, you won't know how to deal with it in the it really isn't their business :)

    If you want to read my post, it's here:

    And I'm happy to talk to you any time you need any help :)

    1. Hi Nathan! I've definitely already read your coming out post! :-) I think I almost commented back when I read it, but then I just read all the comments from your family and friends and thought they were a bit more important than the opinion of some obscure anonymous blogger. That was a very brave decision you made. I'm thrilled for you that it has lead to great experiences. I've wondered a few times whether I would want to just blast it out there on Facebook that I'm gay to just get it over with in one fell swoop. I've actually thought about making a video a la ... whatever his name is that made the YouTube video that caught on. (Haha, I would think after watching it about a dozen times and reading his blog I'd remember his name.) Anyway, I've obviously always shrunk from such a bold move, though. I really appreciate your encouragement. I know that I need to start sharing my truth with others, but I just kind of want to make sure I do it the best way I can for me and for those I tell. I've actually finally written my letter yesterday, and I edited it (while at work... shh! Don't tell!) to be a bit better today. I kind of feel like sending it to someone, but I need to make sure it's what I want to say first. Just like you said, I've tried to stay a bit more neutral in stating any plans for the future. In my letter, I've asked that my friends/family support me as I try to figure out what I'll do next. I did explain that I have a lot of doubts about the church and that I'm leaning toward trying dating men. (Honestly, I'm about 98% sure that's what I'm going to do, at least for a while.) But I didn't state any plans definitively... so I think I'll avoid the pitfall you're describing.

      If you do decide to date, best of luck to you! You seem like a great guy, and it would be a shame if you didn't get to experience true love. Eesh... no pressure though! Do whatever you feel can lead to the most happiness for you, I suppose.

      You love my blog? Thanks! I just write it so people will tell me things like that, after all! ;-)

      Thanks again for real though. (I added you to my gchat! :-) )


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