Friday, August 23, 2013

Tests & Conflicting Grahams

FYI, this post is fairly explicit compared to some of my previous posts.  You've been warned.

I'm always trying to test whether I'm actually heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual.  It's incredibly difficult to know when you're a virgin.  I've read about straight men that like gay porn.  And I've read about bisexuals that really want to be either hetero or homo, and homosexuals that really want to be bisexual.

Tonight I conducted one of my tests, but this one was a lot more clear than many of my previous tests.  If you're into classier porn, like I am, it can be difficult to know if you're just not into one of the two genders due to low quality of the porn you watch.  (I'm aware that many, many people, including the Graham of every year of my life up until I was 26, believe "classier porn" is an oxymoron.)  So, anyway, tonight I went to tumblr for some help.  I found two tumblr blogs with very artistic and sexual naked pictures of each gender.  I saw things on both sides that I have never seen before.  Usually when I see something new, it can be very exciting to me sexually... but when it came to the naked women... I got nothing.  I kept thinking, "Wow, that woman is so gorgeous."  Or, "She is absolutely beautiful."  But it struck me only in the way that beautiful art does.  I think beautiful women's bodies are aesthetically amazing.  However, when I look at a naked man with a great body, I get an erection.  And the things I think are not so art gallery polite.  This happened so clearly for me tonight.  I went through so many women's pictures trying to see if any of them turned me on... but I kept getting the same "Wow, I really think she is a pretty woman" type response, and nothing downstairs.  Then I went to the men, and it took about 3 or 4 pictures before I was standing at attention.  (I really hate euphemisms for erections, but alas, I don't normally write (or enjoy writing) anything sexual.)  I found myself moving through the pictures of men much quicker, wanting more and more.  Then I went back to the women and, to my surprise, it actually made me lose my erection.  I further tested in a way I think you can just imagine to yourself, and men worked where women did not again.

This is just another test that has shown to me that I might not even be bisexual.  It's so hard to know anything without actual sex, but this particular test made me feel more like I am a straight up homosexual than I usually do.  I know that the religious upbringing I've had makes me strongly want to at least be bisexual.  So, I wonder sometimes if I don't manufacture attractions to women that have never really been there.  I've always wanted a relationship and marriage to a woman, but I can't say that I've ever really had a strong desire to have sex with any particular woman.  I would think that would be present if I was attracted to women in the way that bisexuals are.  Graham's a very confused fellow.

I hate that I can't just tell you my real name, but I'm terrified of someone outing me before I'm ready.  Thus, I'm going to continue pretending my name is Graham.  (Which kind of stinks, because I have always wanted to name a son, (if I ever have one) Graham.  I don't know how I'll feel about the name now that I use it as my gay alter-ego.)

Anyway, my last post prompted a response from a kind gentleman that was unfortunate enough to come across my blog.  He related his story of choosing a heterosexual life despite strong bisexual feelings.  He challenged me to create a pros and cons list about the lifestyle choices I can make at this point.  So, I think the best way to handle doing so, is if I clarify two different possible lifestyles that sum up the decisions I'm trying to make.

There are two conflicting future Grahams, one of which may become who I really am:  gay Graham vs. heterosexual-relationship Graham.

Gay Graham Pros & Cons:

  • Pros:
    • I get to actually be strongly sexually attracted to those who I have relationships with.
    • I can stop hiding my secrets from everyone.
    • Along the same lines, I don't have to lie to anyone.
    • I can stop worrying about the interests/style/mannerisms I have that make me seem gay.
    • If I am gay, I won't have the nagging feeling that people think I'm gay.  I will just be it.
    • I can start really owning who I am, and hopefully gain more confidence in that person.
    • I likely won't be as depressed.
    • I can maybe find a relationship that really fulfills me.
  • Cons:
    • There weren't as many pros as I'd hoped there would be.
    • The big one: struggles with my family.  I know that my family will be really conflicted with how to deal with me coming out.  
    • I worry about whether I'll be able to (and be comfortable to) keep the same relationship with my nieces and nephews.  I wonder if my siblings will want me not to be around them.
    • I doubt I'd ever be able to have a man I'm in love with meet and get to know all of my family.  I'm sure some of them would be supportive of my ability to make my own choices, but I don't know to what degree any of them would want to know about my relationships.
    • I wonder if my work situation would become strained.  I am great friends with my coworkers (who are my bosses), and that might change if they know I'm gay.
    • I am certain I will lose some friends.
    • I don't really know if I want to be a gay-advocate, but I know there will be some (at least subtle) pressure to be one.
    • I may want to move away from the conservative place I live, which would take me away from almost everyone I know and love.
    • I worry about anti-gay violence/hostility.
    • I may have lingering issues with leaving my religion behind completely, which would be necessary if I really embraced gay-Graham living.  (Which would be a huge issue for my religious friends/family, too.)
    • I'm so late to this game... I don't love the idea of being so new to it at 27.
    • It's difficult for me to have kids that are actually mine, and I'll be raising any kids I do have (whether through adoption or surrogacy) in a tough environment.  (I don't care how great any gay couple is, that's still a tough situation for any kid these days.  Maybe when the children of today are adults, gay marriage children will be able to grow up in a less difficult environment, but it's not the case now.)
Heterosexual-relationship Graham Pros & Cons:

  • Pros:
    • I get to have the kind of spiritually-fulfilling relationship that I have ALWAYS wanted.
    • If all goes well, (which is a big if), I will have found an incredible woman to be with.
    • This one's huge for me:  I get to have kids, that are my own, that get to be raised by their mother and father.  (Provided we don't get divorced.  Oi... nothing is black and white, is it?)
    • Me and the person I marry will fit in with the rest of my family & community.
    • I won't have religious guilt.
    • I may learn to be sexually drawn to my wife, and thereby sexually fulfilled.  (Sounds a bit like I'm stretching.)
    • I won't have to be gay.  I know that sounds awful, but I've grown up never wanting to be gay because it seems so against nature (I know that's not 100% true in the animal kingdom, but I'm just generalizing.)
    • It would fit the lifestyle I've always envisioned having, until more recently.
  • Cons:
    • I may never find the woman that goes along with all of it.  I mean, not only would I have to tell her that I'm attracted to men and not really attracted to women sexually... but she'd have to take on all my other baggage.  (Depression, insecurities, general things that suck about me (we all have these things.))
    • I might get so far along this path (in years) without having found someone great, that I might just lie to someone to get what I want.  Then I'm stuck in the lies.
    • I'll tend to just lie to people about things, as I already do.  (Except on this blog, of course!)
    • I don't get to go after exciting awesome guys like my roommate, who is, once again, in my line of vision as I write this!)
    • My wife might be less happy than she could really be.
    • I might always resent my wife, just like she might resent me.
    • I may resent my religion and go on pretending to trust it, for my wife/family's sake.
    • I've had such a struggle with ever succeeding in relationships with women because of the early physical stuff they expect and that they need to feel reassured (I'm told)... what would change?
    • I would have to go on getting constant dating advice from everyone that just wants me to be married.
    • I might seem disingenuous.
    • I might always struggle with temptations.  (Not that everyone doesn't deal with temptations for sexual relationships with people other than their spouse.)

So... I think I've been as thorough as I could.  Either way, it's looking like I might have a lot of cons in my life.  Which points out again that this situation just sucks.  Obviously I have more thinking to do, but if you couldn't tell from the above, I'm kind of leaning toward coming out.  Either way, I'm going to take Anonymous's advice and talk to people I trust.  I've never talked to anyone in my life about my homosexual tendencies.  It might be nice to do it finally.  I'm leaning towards telling my brother.  My dad is a great guy, but has some failings that have made me lose some trust in him.  My brother has always been there to fill in in ways my dad failed.  I know it's going to be so hard for him to hear, but I need him more now than ever.  Wow... I'm having such a hard time imagining how that conversation goes.  Can anyone offer any advice for that convo?  I'd appreciate it.

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