Saturday, August 24, 2013

Mormonism & Neighbors

I don't know why I thought it would preserve my anonymity any better to never say I was a Mormon. If I'm going to be the most honest I have ever been, I need to talk about my church in a few more specifics.  So there you have it.  I'm a Mormon.  I still am going to church sometimes, but I really struggle to believe any more.  Every once in a while I'll hear some talk or something that will turn me back around and make me strive to be fully active again and work toward marrying a woman.  But that's just so hard to do when I have so many serious and honest doubts about whether there is any way a marriage to a woman can work for me.  I really really doubt my fortitude to just be abstinent, too.  I basically never consider that as an option. So invariably, I get sick (depressed) and skip church for a couple weeks and slip back into wanting to run away from everything.  This week I've been strongly considering giving it up and trying out a different lifestyle, so I wonder what will happen when my roommates want to go to church with me tomorrow.  Will I get up and go?  Pretend to be a good priesthood bearer?  Duck questions from the bishop?  Endure dating advice that I didn't ask for?  Or... will I lay in my bed feeling miserable that I can't figure out what to do or how to fix everything.  Miserable that I can't be happy whichever way I choose?  I know there is a solution out there for me.  I know there is a way I can be happy in this life.  I just don't know how to get there.  Especially without enduring a LOT of pain and grief... and those two things ain't my faves.  I think I've pretty much lost my testimony.  It's like I just keep wanting to stick with the church because it's what I'm comfortable with.  It's how I relate to so many friends and my family.  It's how I see the world.  It's how I've made so many major decisions in my life.  So, the fact that I don't really find myself having a lot of faith in it any more is a bitter pill to swallow.  Ugh.  I'm just so frustrated.  I was in such a great place a few years ago.  I believed.  I dated women.  I was ignorant.  And it was, in fact, bliss.  I didn't know that the reason I never kissed them, or that I lacked the normal sex drive was that I was actually attracted to men.  I would never let myself think that about myself.  I virtually never let myself think anything related to sex.  It kept this storm at bay for a while, but when the dam broke a couple years ago, all Hell broke loose.  (Literally?  Get it?  I'm going to Hell now because I'm gay and I want to act on it.  Oh, boy... now I'm making light of the situation.  Can you see that my coping mechanisms are struggling?  I usually use humor to diffuse any tough situation, but it doesn't work when it's a conundrum on such a grand existential/eternal scale.)  So... anyway.  Apparently I'm a MoHo now.  I just learned what that was the other day.  A Mormon Homosexual.  It's a tough crowd to be in.  Lots of drama, pain, crying, and whining.  (Well, at least I'm experiencing/doing all of those things.)  I don't know if there was a point to this post or if it was just another way for me to vent what could be summed up in just a few words:  I'm effing confused.

On another note, I had the strangest feeling the other day when I was told that the neighbor upstairs is gay.  It was probably the first time in my life that I really struggled to fake being disgusted.  I was talking to a particularly homophobic Mormon roommate, too.  I wonder, actually, if he noticed that I took the news kind of weird.  It was like I wanted to just rush upstairs and give my neighbor a hug.  As though I am family to him now.  I know that's stupid.  Especially because I'm not out, and I am not the most accepting of gay guys.  Meaning, I'm still kind of indoctrinated with the non-threatening anti-gay mentality.  As in, I'll love the sinner, but hate the sin... and gossip about the sinner.  Am I wrong in thinking that this is REALLY how it is for Mormons/Christians that profess to hate the sin and love the sinner?  We still bash on them behind their backs?

It reminded me of when my friend came out while he was in college at BYU.  He had previously dated girls and had kind of a rebellious streak to him, so many of us talked about him behind his back.  Saying that he had made the choice to be gay.  That he could really be straight if he wanted to.  I said things like that so many times when that friend came up.  Makes me feel super great now.  It's not like I think that he made the choice to be gay and I didn't.  I understand now.  He was doing his best to be what everyone wanted him to be.  He finally caved and chose the lifestyle that would really make him fully happy.  Now he has a great boyfriend and seems to be very happy.  Yes, he chose to be gay, but only after it chose him.  I get it now. It's not a choice, because believe me... who would choose this much pain and anguish?

I don't know what this post did for me except let me vent frustrations a bit.  So, sorry about how poorly written it is.  I'm still just trying to figure out what to do with this blog, and more importantly, my life.

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