Sunday, August 25, 2013

Identity Crisis & Cooking

I chose to stay home from church today.  I tried to do some more thinking about where I am, and where I want to go.  I am feeling incredibly lost.  More lost than I've ever felt before.  It's as though I've always had this identity of being an active super-Mormon who keeps his slight homosexual tendencies hidden from everyone, including himself.  So, now that over the past two years I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am almost exclusively attracted to my same gender, I don't know who I am.  I don't go to church.  And even when I do, I don't care about the gospel... only the people.  I want people to be happy.  I just don't seem to care if I'm happy, because it's like I have lost the one and only path I've ever known to happiness.  The great "Plan of Happiness" doesn't include me being gay.  I genuinely miss being oblivious, but I'm aware that I'll only ever get to where I can actually be fully happy if I just endure this period, and find out what will work for me.  What new identity I can take on.  Hopefully, it's a more honest one.

On a completely different note... I wish that some of the gay stereotypes came with being gay... because I suck at cooking.  I'm eating a rather gross pile of frozen chicken that I baked in the oven.  It came preseasoned, etc. of course... because I'm so lazy about cooking, too.  I wish I could add that to my being gay pros and cons list.  Pro: I will now be a fabulous cook!  Nope.  Not gonna happen.

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