Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Enigmatic Shifts of Opinion & Asian Pedestrian Girl

I read back the crud y'all are reading on this blog and I am amazed at how much my opinion can change within the matter of days, weeks, and months.  As previously mentioned, I have felt before that kissing a guy would be really gross.  However, as I've had this recent crush on my roommate (who is sitting four feet from me as I write this, GASP!!! SCANDALOUS!!! (he can't see what I'm doing, and I just lied to him and implied that it's work-related)), that opinion about kissing men has kind of changed.  I think I keep trying to label myself as one thing or another, but I just will never know until I've actually had a relationship with a man or had sex with a woman.  I mean, within the last year I've said to myself, "Ok, you're gay."  "You're asexual, and that's ok."  "You're just a bisexual guy that is physically into men, but mostly into women.""You're straight, you just have some physical attraction to men that is probably a phase." "Your religious upbringing was so strict about having sexual thoughts about women, that you never let yourself think about them because of that.  And so you're just confused as your body is wanting the sex."  (Ok... admittedly, I probably never said any of these things exactly the way I just wrote them.)  But it's been a turbulent year or two in trying to discover--and accept--who I really am.  If you sir or madam, who sadly has stumbled upon these rantings, have any insights into my unceasing desire to label myself, feel free to elaborate your thoughts, pontifications, or feelthings.  (Oooh!  Clever new word!  This guy's SO cutting edge!)

And now a small story about an attractive Asian pedestrian.  I was walking the five or six blocks to a store the other day, and almost the entire way I was either followed or right behind a very hipster-esque Asian girl with long brown wavy hair (died slightly reddish).  She was wearing a very flattering outfit, too.  I first noticed her when I heard her flip-flips flippity-flapping behind me.  And then, inexplicably, she ran in front of me like she was in a hurry.  But then she just went back to walking at my pace.  As though she just wanted to be in front of me.  Then I'd pass her at the next crosswalk, and this same running to get in front of me kept happening.  If she was doing it to make me notice her and her ass... it worked.  So... that happened.  Would I ever say something to her?  No.  I am so guarded about approaching people I'm attracted to.  I just don't know when I'm going to be able to break this sex-cone of silence.  Anyone out there want to have sex and help me decide whether I should just be throwing myself at hot Asian girls that flaunt their booty, or the highly attractive (most likely straight) all-around great gentleman sitting across this room from me?  Just, ya know, let me know.  (Not gonna happen.)


  1. I share your pain brother!It is hard to not be all one way or the other. I was raised really religiously and still am to this day, but because of that religious upbringing, having sexual feelings at all made me feel like scum, especially when they were about men. I suffered from depression and anxiety as a result. There is hope for you! I got counselling to help me sort out the mess in my head and I came to the conclusion that sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires are not a bad thing, as long as they are controlled and not controlling you. It was a struggle because, like you, I wanted relationships with women and sexual relationships with men and women. I told my family about my homosexual tendencies and about my confusion and that was one of the most terrifying, but necessary things to do. They didn't shun me, like I was scared they would. Instead they loved me. They talked with me about what I wanted to do with my life but said it was my choice. We were raised with a black and white opinion of what is right and wrong and eventually, that is part of what led me to my decision to stay the course and live a heterosexual lifestyle. I don't regret it for a second. I confronted myself head on and was totally honest about what I was feeling, and then miraculously, since there were no more deep dark secrets hiding out inside me, I began to feel better and more confident about who I am. I met a wonderful woman who knows about my struggle but decided I was worth it. We have been married almost 5 years have 2 kids and 1 on the way and I am very happy. We both had concerns about what sex would be like because of my attraction to men, but I can tell you that we thoroughly enjoy sex and have a lot of it, especially since she knows everything about me. It is a whole different level of intimacy; one that I hope all people can find and keep. I was a virgin when we got married, and I would advocate that to anyone who has still kept it. If you have a whole bunch of sexual relationships, that will only confuse you more. They best way to get unconfused is to tell the truth, to yourself and the ones who love you. It has also been easier living with my conscience knowing that I am living the was brought up and not fighting that strong part of me. I am not fighting the sexual part either. I am still physically attracted to men, but it is not overwhelming now and really not much of a problem at all. My commitment and love to my wife is one of the strongest things in my life. I have been honest with everything in my life and because of that, I am fulfilled in all of my relationships, familial, sexual or otherwise. I am not saying that you should choose one way over another, but I know for me, confronting myself and then choosing what I did with my life was empowering and rewarding. I have never been happier, stronger or more complete than I am right now. Make a choice and live life without regrets. To help you decide, write down the pros and cons to each lifestyle, then weigh those pros and cons against your truest measure of feelings. It sounds like you were religious once or still are. If so, prayer is incredibly helpful as well. Good luck making your choice! It is a choice that will shape the course of your future and that of your family now and in the future.

    1. I have to admit that when I saw that someone had commented, I was a little bit worried given the last few sentences of this post. (Only joking.) I must tell you, though, that I genuinely appreciate this response. You really made me think. I kind of constantly go back and forth on how I want to live my life. It's this tug and pull between wanting to fully be active in my church and to do what's right and hope that just the right woman comes along and that we can have something like what it sounds like you have... and this feeling that I'll only ever be truly happy if I'm with men. I actually read your comment pretty soon after you posted it, and spent today thinking that I'd get myself clear in the head again and give the spiritual route a try, but tonight I got derailed. I'm so happy that things have worked for you, and I know that I can't keep living this secret life. I just don't know that I can last the months or years until the perfectly understanding woman comes along that can put up with not only my sexuality issues, but everything else that comes with this guy. I tend to feel like I'll only make it if I just find the people in my life that I can truly trust, and come out to them. See how that goes... and move forward from there. I don't know. I'm going to take you up on your challenge to write a pros and cons. I'm thinking that will be my next post. Anyway, I really appreciate the time you've taken to write, and I wish you all the best.


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