Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sacrifices & Options

I think what's really been so hard lately, is that I'm realizing that no matter what I do, I am going to lose something.  I don't get to be what I've always been trying to be.  It's hurting me, too, that I'm only getting to realize that so much of my pursuit of a heterosexual "eternal" marriage in the Mormon sense has been in vain at the age of 27. I feel like I've missed out on so many years that could have been spent so much better if I would have just been honest with myself.  I need to be honest now and know that I am going to have to make some serious sacrifices if I want to find happiness.

This video struck me as pretty apt for exactly what I'm dealing with.  I'm particularly referring to the list of four options this guy offers as the four things his MoHo friends suggest that they consider as their only options.  I must say that #3 (half in, half out) hasn't really crossed my mind.  I need more honesty.  Which makes it a wonder why #1 (suppressing and trying to live heterosexually) is something I considered as the only option for so long, and I still kind of consider it an option.  Of course, as I've mentioned, I'm not fully not attracted to women.  However, I'm realizing lately that I think I've built up in my mind the kinds of attraction I do feel toward women so that this option #1 can remain viable.  (And only for that reason.)  I think I've fabricated a lot of the attraction I claim to have felt toward women... if I'm being the most honest I have ever been.  So, I think it's really time for me to figure out whether I'm ready for door number 2, or door number 4.  I'm either in all the way as a MoHo who don't ho.  Or I'm all the way out.  Just a ho.  This is where I'm at.  I'm seriously considering who I want to come out to, and talk to about this.  I'm still too terrified at the prospect.  Oh, life.  You're just way too much fun.

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