Monday, August 19, 2013

Fast Food Depression & Gay Wishes

I never feel so bad about myself as I do after succumbing to McDonald's.  Especially when I only do it because they have their stupid Monopoly promotion going on.  How ridiculous is it that I really think that buying their factory sludge shaped into foodstuffs with the minuscule chance of winning something will make me any better off?  It never does.  I always leave depressed that I patronized their terrible restaurants, didn't win anything, and feel like their food is eating me from the inside.  It's just a really sad state to be in.  When will I ever convince myself that only I can make me happy through my accomplishments?  Material things and chemicals shaped into food-like visages will not make me any happier.  (No, they will almost certainly make me feel worse in the long run if I expend all my energy on them.)  Accomplishments! Not shortcuts and fast food.  Advice just happened.  (Wow, this guy's so full of wisdom and French fries!)

I sincerely wish that my roommate is gay.  He is the first man that I've ever wanted to have a relationship with.  I've had gay fantasies about men I know before, but they're very short lived, and are very physical desires.  I've never felt anything romantic or emotional for anyone that wasn't female before.  So I've always assumed that I could never have a full relationship with a man.  However, this guy has changed my mind.  He's everything I've always been looking for in a woman, but he's a he.  Yes, this started out much like my previous experiences.  I'd see him without his shirt on (a LOT) around our apartment.  He has an amazing body.  But as we've lived together, I've gotten to know him pretty well, and I think he's so great.  Big problems:  A. He goes to church all the time and says anti-gay things sometimes.  B. He gets tons of attention from women, and he seems to be pretty into that.  C. He is always concerned if he and I seem like a gay couple when we grab groceries or something.  D.  He's moving soon.  E.  Even if he were gay, he could get someone a lot more attractive than me.  These are major obstacles to my wishes ever coming true, indeed.

Yeah, I'm never going to get to be with him.  But there are a few minor things that give me hope.  He seems ok to be quite close to me sometimes.  (Like, closer than I'm ok with, most of the time.)  He invites me to do things a lot.  He just offered to help me with something (that could take many hours) that I obviously could do on my own.  Almost like he just wants an excuse to hang out with me more.  I know that I'm seriously pitifully stretching here.  He's such a nice guy that I'm sure he's just trying to pull me out of my sad pathetic life and be a friend.  He probably just thinks I need help.  But, that just makes me wish all the harder that he was gay.

But I kind of don't wish this on him, too.  I am in the worst mindset these days.  How the hell am I ever going to tell my family?  Will I ever tell them?  Do I have to keep this secret my whole life?  Will they disown me?  Will I cause some of them to fight?  (I have siblings that seem more favorable to gay people and other family members (particularly some in-laws) that do not seem so favorable.)  How would my nieces and nephews react?  What about my friends?  I know I have friends that would be pissed at me and think that I just gave up and chose to be gay.  (Why would anyone choose this?  It comes with way too many problems.)  What if people find out and are violent emotionally or even physically because they hate gays?  What if I choose to not be gay?  What if I choose to marry a woman and I find out that because I have gay tendencies that our sex is awful, and I ruin her life?  Should I do that, but be honest about my same-sex attraction?  Sometimes I am attracted to women... if I choose to be gay, what if I miss out on an incredible life (complete with children) with a woman?  It's so incredibly fucking confusing.  I want answers.  I want to know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with this bigayness.  But if I have to deal with all of this, if I am truly irreversibly gay... I know that being with someone like my roommate would make it all worth it.  He's that great.  Really.

Wow... I've written crap like this about women before... this is so bizarre.  I'm writing about my crush on a man.  Who am I?  What the hell is going on around here?!!!

BiGay, out.

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