I want to be fun Graham again. I used to really be able to laugh with and entertain my friends, and I just don't feel like I can do that anymore. Maybe I'll never feel quite like I did before, but why can't I lighten up again at least?
I suppose it's a lot to ask of myself to just suddenly be comfortable in what feels like entirely new skin. Perhaps I just need some time, but I wish I hadn't been such a sucky friend the last while. I have things I can blame for it, but that's not important. What's important is that I just want to change. I want to be better. I want to be the best version of me that I can be. I hope that my mind is really ready to grasp that the best version of me might look, act, feel, and sound quite different than the old best version of me.
I'm just ready to not suck at life.
I'm also faced with the realization that after all these years, I've also kind of forgotten how to make friends. I'm kind of making some friends at work right now, but I don't know if they're the kind of friends I need at the moment. Old Graham would have gotten along swimmingly with them, and they likely would have gotten along very well with old Graham. But I'm not him anymore.
I find it difficult to introduce people to me anymore because I've been through a couple years of identity chaos. Yeah, poor me, and stuff... but the thing is, I started coming out so that I could have support. I'm just finding myself lacking in my ability to properly embrace that support.
Is any of this making sense?
I hung out with an old friend last night that is extremely understanding and supportive of me in going through what I'm going through. However, I felt like I was a drag to hang out with for him. Am I just getting old? Haha, oi.
See, old Graham would have kept all this stuff to himself and just dealt with it. Present Graham whines about everything it seems. That is not something I want to be a part of the best version of present Graham.
I got some learnin' to do.
Uh... k, bye.
And a salamander?
Hey, I hear ya. I think being our age (Im 26) it is harder to make friends then say, in high school. But don't fret, just the mere thinking you should be a better friend, means your already going to be.
ReplyDeleteWell, I sure hope that's the case. Yeah, I had no problem with friends in high school and it wasn't too hard in undergrad. I think I'm just feeling distant from everyone that had been my friends because it's like I have to relearn how to be friends with even them.
DeleteThe danger in coming out to people is our tendency to evaluate everyone around us, wondering if they are judging us (what they really think) or avoiding us, whatever our minds can dream up. Try to relax. I really don't think you have changed that much. You are just worried and self conscious. The old Graham and the new Graham is the same guy. Once you've made some friends that you are comfortable with then you will lighten up some. Hang in there...Adon
ReplyDeleteWhen I came out, I didn't morph into a new person. I was still the same old me just more so and more comfortable.
ReplyDeleteWhen I came out, I found it much easier to interact honestly with others (well, at least with other gay people) -and- then after interacting honestly with others for a while, I started discovering all sorts of things about myself I hadn't know. And discovering all sorts of new things about myself all at once kind of forced me to be self-centered in order to process it all this new information. Which is to say that after coming out I was kind of crazed that first year or so. Then later I met other people just coming out and realized what I had gone through was common.
So what am I trying to say?
I went in the closet at 12 years old and came out when I was 28 so in a lot of ways I was 28 going on 12. It took me a while to catch up to straight peers that had never been in the closet but I did it in a relatively short time (1 1/2 years),
The funny thing is that before I came out I had no idea how big a price I had paid to stay in the closet.
I didn't know how much of me I hadn't been introduced to yet.
It was a fun and scary and wonderful and sometimes crazy time.
And you thought coming out was the end of the road. It's just the start.
Regards,
Philip
One suggestion...if you are looking for a support group, a good place to go especially because it is not at all sexually charged like many gay support groups can be and will be warm and friendly is PFLAG. PFLAG is a support group primarily made up of Moms and Dads with gay kids but gay people are always welcome at their meetings. PFLAG is a plus for many reasons. Not only will you get a lot of support from a group of loving Moms and Dads but you will hear the gay issue from a straight parent's perspective - valuable information to have. Also, I really appreciate how PFLAG foks really know how to talk about homosexuality in a public forum that in a way that is totally appropriate - a skill that believe me was invaluable when I came out at work. And lastly, if you are like me, you have trust issues with straight people because of past experiences. PFLAG meetings are a safe place to address those issues. At first their love and acceptance surprised me because I couldn't believe straight people were capable of accepting gay people just as they are but their love and acceptance challenged my mistrust until finally they won me over.- these Moms and Dads really did accept me as I am even if I still couldn't accept me as I am. Believe me it is weird when you are in a room full of straight people that don't have a problem with you being gay - in fact, think it is perfectly OK and mean it. I don't know where you live but PFLAG chapters are in all 50 States and some 20 or so countries.
ReplyDeleteRegards,
Philip
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