Thursday, October 17, 2013

Hear Me Hear & The Wonder

I'm terribly sorry.  I've written another poem.  So if you find yourself compelled to read everything I write, you also will find yourself compelled to read said poem.  Without more ado, I give you:

Life is a song.
It's only on for so long.
Freely flowing time ambles about,
Exerting a force jettisoning those who can't figure it out. 
I found that I admired its introduction.
Somehow it sounded like my most pure reflections. 
A while later and I see the value of these discordant choruses and verses. 
Somehow I think it melds together if I learn the emotion of love,
Or at least I learn how to move on from the introduction above.
Never you mind what happens when it's all through.
Get going at learning to love others and most of all, you.

Well, maybe that wasn't so awful for you.  Maybe it wasn't much of anything to you.  I write poems for me, and then I think that they're so deep.  I think this because they're about the emotions I'm experiencing, so of course I have an emotional connection with them.  That doesn't make them good.  Poems are good when almost anyone recognizes a piece of humanity in them.  Whatever.  I am just me.  I don't know how to be one of you.  And that's kind of what still has me down.

I'm not depressed in NEARLY the same fashion that I was when I was in the closet.  (Yes, I'm still being anonymous here, but that's mostly because I've written extremely personal things here that are quite different than saying, "Hi long time friend! I'm a gay now, ok?")  So I count myself as pretty well out.  And I'm not crushed by sadness anymore.  That's how I felt with the depression of finding out I'm gay and not feeling like I could share that with anyone without destroying everything I liked about my life.

I'm free of all of that.

Now I think I'm just a bit depressed because I'm still me.  Ha!  Why was it that I thought embracing gay would make me so much better at making friends, at being able to love, at being loved?  (I don't know that I really thought that, but I had a lot of general optimism at first glance outside the closet.)  Now my anxiety that I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough, and I'm just not going to be loved is pretty well back.  I thought it when I was trying to date women, and even in just thinking about dating men I still think it.  The wonder is... will I ever find love?  I sure hope so.  I still just have that nagging fear that I might have gone through all this coming out business to no avail.  I may as well have just stayed silently gay if I can't find someone through being openly gay.

I'm sorry guys.  Not the most fun shit to read.  I hate sharing this kind of thing, too.  It leaves you either genuinely wanting to console me, feeling forced to console me, or repulsed by my lack of confidence.  It doesn't really put me in a stronger stead, but solidifies to myself that I lack confidence.

Oh well!  Guess I'm still being honest.  Even if it's painful.  That's something... isn't it?

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