Sunday, November 24, 2013

Cynicism Killer & An Easy List

I'm just cynical enough that often times when something is blatantly trying to get me to smile and be happy... I will hate it.  (Once in primary when I was maybe 6 or 7, the sharing time instructor saw that I was upset about something and brought me in front of the whole primary so they could sing the "if all the little raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops" song to me to make me happy. I, however, defiantly sat there with a frown, never giving in, and then returned to my seat when they finished.)  Though the above music video by Pharell Williams falls into the aforementioned category... I still love it!  The guy hopping at 1:40 and so many other moments are just tremendous.

My life isn't perfect... but I'm really starting to love it, and that is an incredible difference from where I've been before.  I've called it being happier than I've been in years, and it's the truth.  Though I still haven't found a boyfriend (obviously a process that could take me some time), I can't help but feel great about where I stand.  Looking up!  Not looking down in shame all the time.  Not burying my head in a blanket and crying.  Not turning off all the lights and sleeping through almost entire days because it was the only way I was comfortable living with myself.  Fuck depression! I'm kicking depression's ass.  Pretty stellar.

That said, I know that this euphoria might not last, but I think I'm equipped to handle a crash... if one happens.  I now have a strong support group that I know how to utilize.  I have many people who've offered to help. I have a lot more respect for myself, and I have the hope I mentioned in my last post that I could possibly end up truly happy.

I was asked by my date tonight what I want from a relationship.  To my surprise, a list of things started spilling out of me rather easily.  Apparently I've been thinking about it a lot!  I don't even know if I could recreate it now as easily as it came to me then, but here are some things I remember:

  • I am me.  I don't have any sort of act going on, because I don't need one.  My partner is so supportive that I'm at ease being myself.  
  • Not only that, but there is a general ease about the entire relationship.  We're both relaxed about where we stand together, and we both really know what our past, present, and, to the degree possible, our future entails and means.  
  • He is comfortable disagreeing with me and has an opinion of his own.  Certainly, I'm not saying we argue, (though that might happen if it's important enough, and I think that can be helpful so long as respect remains between us) but we can each be our own selves.  Together we can arrive at happy cooperative solutions to things, but it's not always my way or his way.  
  • It's a mutually respectful and balanced relationship in which we both contribute, and I feel both supported and needed.
  • Oh, and the sex is pretty damn great.  (That, too!)
That's actually fairly close to the list that I said.  I don't know if that really sums it all up (surely there are other things that are kind of givens like being able to laugh, to get away from it all sometimes, honesty, fidelity, and not being a drug or gambling addict; then other preferential things like not being a smoker (I just really really hate that smell), him being beautiful, obviously!) but I'm pretty satisfied with the list.  Pipe dreams that I get something that sounds so cordial and peaceful? Maybe, but I think it sounds fairly reasonable.  

I don't know why I shared that, but I did.  I guess I'm just saying to myself (because honestly I think that's why I'm writing tonight... it's for me still guys!  Sorry!  I'm selfish like that.) that I'm sorting out what I want and I might actually be ready for a real relationship should my guy find his way to me.  

K, enough of this shit.  Bye!


  1. It's wonderful to be happy about where you are in life. Congrats! And I think that is a pretty good list. I noticed all but the last really have to do with comfort, which is not uncommon after feeling so uncomfortable with who you are for so long. Good luck!

  2. Isn't it just great when life starts to work itself out?! :)

  3. That's a great list of traits. I definitely think that comfort and egalitarianism are super important in a relationship. If a relationship takes too much effort, it can't last that long. I feel like there's a flip-side, though, where part of what keeps the spark in a relationship is the sense that you're partner is sufficiently complex and interesting to you that there will always be a bit more to discover and keep conversation interesting.

  4. Evan, you're right! I actually realized after I posted this that I forgot one, and it was that he and I have enough in common that we can do stuff together, but enough different that we still can branch out and be individuals, too. I don't expect a comforting clone of myself, haha.

    Living: YES!!!!!!! And that's like my life motto ever since I heard Gordon B. Hinckley say something to that effect: when you have a positive attitude things tend to work out!

    Trevor, Thanks! I'm feeling a TON better about who I am these days, and I want to continue to build on that... so yeah, I think you're right that I'm still seeking a bit of comfort!

    LOVE THIS SONG! (Playing it again now, of course!)


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