About to hit you with some bursts of honestude:
- If you've been here before, you can see that I screwed up. I hate my new blog layout/design. I should have left the plain, simple, clean black and white I had before. Oh, well. Live and learn?
- I intentionally waited until after midnight to post this to look just a little less pathetic, and to actually skip a day between posts. It's an illusion (Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money.) It's funny that I make attempts to save face on this blog, and then I betray them by being as honest as I can.
- I have now realized that there is a strong possibility that people may think my picture is some kind of play on Joseph Smith's first vision images. NOT the case. I was not thinking about that at all until I got looking at it on the blog full size.
- If you scroll really fast, it's like I'm high-fiving the top of Blogger.
- I still like the picture for some reason.
- I honestly don't know why I'm writing in here right now. I don't think it's really serving a purpose. I got everything I was needing emotionally tonight by reading about others' experiences on their blogs.
- I'm not artistic. I'm really terrible at putting things together that match. So when I decide to actually customize my blogs... they almost always look like a kid just randomly picked colors and randomly selected fonts. I'm better with words... and even then I don't think I have a great grasp on artistry there.
- I still can't bring myself to do an About Me page. I figure the brief description on the right is good enough because I'm being anonymous, so there's not much to tell. Duh!
- NO ONE CARES. Bla bla bla...
 |
| NOT intentional... |
So, anyway, I guess I'll actually blog about something that matters to me now. In the style of Chase from TR Unfiltered, I wrote my letter yesterday. It was surprising how I tended to include far too much detail in explaining some things, and not even close to enough for others. Today, I edited it a bit. I then created a list of everyone I might consider coming out to right now... in other words it was two of my best friends, my siblings, and my parents... and I analyzed each for the pros and cons of choosing to come out to them. My oldest sister and my brother were the two candidates that seemed to have the best pro to con ratios. I might send it to them... but I would feel bad if my two other sisters found out that I came out to my other two siblings first. However, I think if I came out to my brother first, none of my sisters would be upset. (I guess my sisters are more jealous of one another?) Anyway, it was weird thinking about each family member and how I thought they'd approach my coming out, and homosexuality issues in general. The biggest problem with my pros and cons list is that it's riddled with uncertain comments like: Might be helpful in influencing others if she decides to support me. The truth is that I have NO idea how any of them will react. I want to be out, but I think I'm in denial about how hard it will really be. I think I just keep thinking that I'll somehow come up with a formula for the perfect timing to release my secret weapon (the letter) at just the right time to just the right person, time and again, until I've convinced them all to love and support me in choosing a gay lifestyle. NOPE. Not. Gunna. Hap'n.
I honestly don't know if ANYONE on my list will support me in choosing a gay lifestyle. They're all LDS, and I think they all would likely believe that I'd do best to live a celibate lifestyle. I can't help but shake my head at thinking about me living that way the rest of my earthly existence.
...I just got the urge to say eff it and send the letter to someone...
I just thought of a friend that I had not analyzed the pros and cons for yet:
Pros: He’s way
more likely to be supportive than any of my other friends because he’s been
struggling with the church. He’s very
liberal about these things. I don’t
think it would hurt him nearly as much as anyone else (if it would hurt him at
all). He might be awake right now. He’d make a good practice run for
gearing up for coming out to my family.
Cons: I might
be hurting progress he could be making to regain his spirituality. He might not be the best secret
keeper. I might not get the best
advice and support from him, though, because he always has a weird worldview
that I struggle to understand. Our
project that we’re working on together could be seriously strained if he, for
some reason, doesn’t react as well as I hope he will. It might be a little complicated, because I think I've had feelings for him, kind of. :-/
*deep exhale*
I'm going to do it. I'm going to edit my letter for him specifically... and I'm going to send it. Wish me luck!
AAAAAhhHHHH... *freaking out continues*
Came back... haven't done it yet. This is scary! And I hardly ever even see this guy!
Urrgh...
Ok. It's edited. I'm attaching it to a Facebook message. OH BOY... I'm coming out to a CLOSE friend this time. He was my mission companion. He and I have been roommates, co-workers, and friends for years.
I've had the mouse on the "Reply" button for about 5 minutes. Ok, really, enough melodrama. I'm doing this.
DONE.
I don't think it's actually sunk in as much as I freaked out before hitting Reply just now. I ended my brief message with the letter attached with this:
I'm not likely to sleep for a while... but good night!
One last one: AAAAaaaAAAaaAAaaAHHHHhhHhHhhhHhhH...
****UPDATE:
I started getting a super long string of Facebook messages from my good friend, to whom I came out last night. For some reason, I was happy that he said he had no idea I was gay. (Hmm... am I proud of how good at being in the closet I've been?) I did worry that I might have pushed him just that much further from the church, but other than that, it was SUCH a GREAT experience. He didn't have one bit of a problem that I was gay, and he just apologized if he'd said anything about gays that had offended me. (He never said anything truly hurtful, he's just a constant jokester.) I told him that I was probably saying them right along with him, because I had NO idea I was gay either. Although he has had issues with the church, he still pretty much believes it and doesn't believe in gay marriage, but despite that belief he still told me he'd support me in doing what would make me happy. I truly appreciate that. It was a great experience because not only did I gain someone I could talk to about these things, but I also became another resource he has as he strives to figure out his relationship with the church. I handle serious subjects with humor, a lot, and he definitely was able to do that with me in a way that was very comforting for my first coming out experience with a close friend. Hooray, me! I feel charged up enough that I want to do it again... but I seriously doubt any other coming outs will be this easy. I maybe should have saved this one for later. But at least he'll be there when the other ones get hard. ****
Graham
ReplyDeleteComing out takes a lot of bravery and I am proud of you for doing it accorrding to your time table. My process has been slow but rewarding and I hope that yours will be too. If you need to talk shoot me an email at heldentenor82@gmail.com. Good luck with your friend.
Drew, thanks for that. I appreciate it.
DeleteCongratulations! Coming out to people is intensely scary at first. But as in all things, it gets better :)
ReplyDeleteI know that this was one of the easy ones, though... so I'm still nervous about coming out to others. That said, I feel pretty empowered and this may help me speed up the destruction, as it were, so I can get to the rebuilding all the sooner. :)
DeleteEven the easy people are hard at first because you've never done it before. Coming out is a learned thing, I think. The more you do it the more adept you become at it, until suddenly you're so adroit that you tear the closet apart by the power of your innate fabulousness and begin referring to yourself as gay nonchalantly to strangers. The transformation is then complete.
DeleteOf course referring to yourself as gay nonchalantly to strangers is a MUCH different thing than telling your parents...haha. But you get what I mean :) It's a learned process that gets easier with time.
Delete*begins a slow clap for the sentence: "The more you do it the more adept you become at it, until suddenly you're so adroit that you tear the closet apart by the power of your innate fabulousness and begin referring to yourself as gay nonchalantly to strangers."* Oh, Josh... we've got some diction battles in our future! (And I think you're going to win them all after seeing your prowess emerge in that leviathan of an articulate sentence!)
DeleteI had to look up the word adroit.
DeleteI agree with Josh. It does get better, but it also presents a new set of challenges. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Matt. I appreciate that it seems like no one is trying to fill me with a false sense that everything will be easier once I come out... but it does help to hear that it can at least get better.
DeleteCongrats on coming out. It's a huge weight that you don't have to carry around anymore. I don't want you to think I'm Mr. Doom & Gloom because it can get better. It's all up to you (cliché I know). If you need someone to talk to send me an email at mattpetterborg@gmail.com.
DeleteCongrats on coming out. It's a huge weight that you don't have to carry around anymore. I don't want you to think I'm Mr. Doom & Gloom because it can get better. It's all up to you (cliché I know). If you need someone to talk to send me an email at mattpetterborg@gmail.com.
DeleteThanks. Thanks. Added to gchat. Added to gchat. ;-) (I think I'm SOOOO funny.)
DeleteAwesome. That's so great you were able to share your story with a close friend. (And you were so descriptive in your AAAHHH's and freaking out, I could actually hear you through your words!)
ReplyDeleteGood to know your friend is so supportive. And I'm sure now that you have one out of the way, the rest will be easy, right?! :)
Haha, right! Yes... I've always been complimented on my talent for onomatopoeia! (Uh oh... I'm lying again!)
DeleteAwesome! Glad to hear it went well. Even if your other responses are worse (not that they necessarily will be) at least you've told someone once. I feel like in some way, all subsequent reveals will be easier!
ReplyDeleteYeah, maybe just that one smidgen easier because I've got one under my belt.
Delete1) Yeah! another mention!
ReplyDelete2) I sent you an email - it said "It is I" .... come to think of it. I didn't include who "I" was. Thinking more of it - not really sure why I wrote "It is I"
3) I think I went through every possible combination of telling people and then went back and did it again with different methods. Even after everything that has happened this week, I think the "screw it - lets do it" is probably the best approach. Doesn't seem like there is really a right or wrong way (although I've heard of people telling their parents they have cancer and then saying 'jk - im just gay'. I'm not sure thats the right way. anyways. Props to you sir.
4) I've found that (with the exception of the one sister) everyone i've told under 30 has initially been suprised and then kind of whatever about it. This probably is just adding to fears (Sorry!) but it seems like there is definitely a generation gap on this issue.
5) your awesome. good post. keep writing.
6) I probably went through 20 layouts before i decided on mine. And then i spent a ridiculous amount of time figuring how to customize it. If you don't like this one - keep looking - you'll find one.
I know we already talked tonight, but feel like I need to remain an equal-opportunity-comment responder!
Delete1) Of course! You deserve the shout outs.
2) I was confused by said email!
3) Yeah, it sounds like the cancer charade wouldn't be ideal. I feel like I'll know if the time is right to actually do it in person or not.
4) This sounds really accurate to me in theory. I definitely worry about the older people on my list... aka my entire family. haha... it's ok. I just have to do this no matter how scary it might seem.
5) Thank you, thank you, and will do!
6) Likely it will stay this way because I don't know if I can do better! haha No... I'll definitely start to loathe it and will change it eventually. Thanks for your advice, support, and compliments! You're the bomb.
WAY TO GO!!!!!! :-D I'm so happy for you. And I agree - it really does get a ton easier. Josh said it perfectly. I really think you'll be surprised to find how supportive most people really will be.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nathan!
Delete