An Adult Step & Sleep Barking

If outing myself to a man from a dating website who knew my first name, phone number, and what I look like was a baby step, I suppose outing myself to my high school friend (who is gay) counts as an adult step.  At first, I didn't really feel any different, and then it kind of set in... I have a supporter.  Someone knows... and they're ok with me.  He might tell his husband, too, so I think I am out to two people.  While I'm really happy about that... it obviously didn't solve all of my problems.  I still have this constant conversation in the back of my head every time I talk to a family member or friend.  "Should I tell them?"  "What would they think?"  "What if they react badly?"  "Do they already know?"  It's pretty distracting.  This isn't terribly unnatural to me though, I am a pretty anxiety-ridden person, but this conversation is particularly loud and keeps making its presence known, whereas most of my constant worrying is just dull background murmurings.  Anyway, I'm really quite proud of myself for finally being strong enough to admit it to one person, but I know there's a tough row to hoe yet.

Well, I went to church on Sunday.  Lo and behold, a general authority was there.  In priesthood, after he took over the lesson, the subject veered to dating.  I have never felt so incredibly disinterested in a block of meetings, or the words of a GA. There were so, so many generalizations that just didn't apply to me.  Eventually, I just kept looking at my phone, waiting for the time to run out.  It was a really long Sunday.  It started my week off on weird footing.

I have been so damn depressed.  Like, even to the point that my dog's sleep barking right this second doesn't cheer me up.  I usually love when he does that.

(In case you're only mildly depressed, or at any more positive stage of the sadness to happiness spectrum: )

I feel like there are four major triggers for my more serious bouts of depression:  loneliness, gayness, unfulfill-ed-ness from my career, and religion-ness.  (Had to keep the -ness train rolling!) I could probably also add ugliness... I keep trying to work out and eat right, but because I get depressed I keep eating garbage.  I just got home from exercising and then eating donuts.  Not a great plan for weight loss.  It ties back into gayness, though.  I feel like I'm not nearly attractive enough to be gay.  So many of us gays seem to be pretty damn beautiful.  Which ties into loneliness... I have never felt true romantic love.  I want that.  Kinda.  Kinda... a lot.  

And then we come to my career.  I have tried to get my foot into a few different fields, and have never found success or been able to stick with anything.  I think I might just be self-destructive.  
UGH--- I'm hating this blog post.  It's really stupid.  I just want to end it now.  

Oh, well... I am going to tell you about today.  I went to a job interview today.  It was quite disappointing.  I was sitting across a desk from two guys that seemed like they were my age.  And they had their own flourishing companies.  They each had started one that was growing and doing quite well.  I have some fairly impressive things on my resume... but I can never seem to turn it into anything so valuable (I'm still the brokest person I know).  I just got so frustrated that I was applying to be the absolute low end on the totem pole in one of these gentlemen's companies. Why haven't I done anything with my life??!!  I could have done something great by now!  It sucks when you've been given all the tools to carve out a very successful career, but you lack whatever it takes to just focus long enough to pick them up and use them all for a prolonged enough time to do the worthwhile things you daydream about doing.

I really hate this post.  I should have just written enigmatic poems so I didn't have to drag you all into my worthless depression.  It is worthless.  It does me NO good, and I KNOW that.  But it comes back time and again, and it feels like I feed it.  I just want someone to sweep me off my stupid feet and take me away from everything.  Damsel in distress, I guess.


LOOK!  A pony!