R&B & Q&A (It's a rambling post... be warned...)

Hey you.  Yes, YOU.  No, not you, or you, or you, but YOU.  
Who knows what the hell I'm talking about?
Have I ever told y'all that I get kind of hallucinaty when I have a fever?  I'm getting sick, and I think I might have a fever.  Hence, I might be slightly out of my mind.

It's Saturday, and I'm not doing anything.  This is an odd feeling.  I haven't not had plans for a whole weekend since October probably. (Shut up, I know it's a double negative, but it worked in that instance!)  Pretty great that I got sick this weekend, right?  I'm counting myself pretty lucky.  But having this time to myself has lead to reflection time.  Reflection time has made me a little blue that I am still alone. However, it has also been a great chance to see that I do NOT have the blues anymore.  (The year before I came out in October I would be content if I did something with one of the weekends of any given month.  I became reclusive from my friends and family. I never did anything, so it was amazing to suddenly have dates and friends to hang out with all the time.) Honestly... I am about 99.9% sure that I don't have depression at all anymore.  Yes, I just said I'm blue... but that's just loneliness.  Not depression.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not lethargic for no good reason.  (In fact, despite being sick I still want to go work out... depressed me would have wanted to go buy a dozen donuts... for serious.)

Let's think about this from the vantage point of the four main causes of my depression that I felt before coming out of the closet.  First, I have lost a bit of weight, and the gay guys I've dated have been quite complimentary.  I've worked out fairly consistently, too, so I've never felt more confidence in my personal appearance than I do now.  Not only that, but I'm confident in who I am to the point that much of my anxiety about others' judgments has melted away.  I even dance like an idiot in clubs!  That was NEVER me before.  I don't care that I lack rhythm. I get over it and just dance for fun! So, there goes one of the four main causes of my depression.

My religion was another... and well... as you know, I'm not really doing that anymore.  I still feel pretty great about what I've taken from it, and I'm not constantly wanting to bury myself under a pile of rocks because of the crushing guilt I always felt.

My career was another reason I felt depressed.  Yeah, not much has changed there, but I did start making career moves that are setting me up to do better in the future.  I've pretty well sorted out the general direction I want to go.  I want to work with people.  I need my career to make a difference in other peoples' lives.  Whatever that may mean for my day-to-day duties.  And I have a goal income level.  I read some study that spoke about the amount of money you need to make in America to have as happy a family as you can... and it's a very attainable amount for me.  So, while that isn't all figured out, I have no doubt I can get there.

The last thing causing my depression?  Loneliness.  I was so lonely in the closet.  All alone.  I didn't even realize I was in a closet half the time.  I was that lost!  Well, fuck the closet.  I'm out to everyone that matters in my life.  I'm even considering really really coming out to everyone that knows me these days, because I still haven't had a single regret from ANYONE that I've come out to.  It's always been a freeing thing for me.  But... part of the loneliness thing is that I've never had a real relationship.  I feel really really great about the strides I've made in dating over the last few months.  But I'm starting to wonder one of my old sad wonders... will I never have a real relationship?  I'm only 3 months in to gay dating, so it's fairly understandable that I haven't found someone that I want a relationship with and that wants a relationship with me. But sometimes I get concerned that I have a personality that no one that I am really drawn to will be able to connect with the insane man that I am.  Even though I know I'm hard for people to connect with, I still really like me.  (That feels so awesome to write and mean it.  I'm being honest.  I like me!  I used to hate me.  A lot.)  I figure eventually I'll find him.  You, if you're reading.  Ha!  That would be spectacular!  Quit reading though and come nurse me back to health so we can make out, you idiot!  (Yeah... I'ma say that's the fever talking and not my insane self.  :)  )

Anyway, back to YOU.  I keep wondering what you're like.  Love is still entirely enigmatic to me.  I wonder if you're a friend, an acquaintance, a man from my past, someone I just haven't noticed, if you're a Grindr creep, if you're someone I've professed to not like, if you're someone I'm crushing on, or if you're just going to stumble into my life at any moment now or 10 years from now.  Hey! I wrote you a poem the other day!  Wanna hear it?

In Your Arms

I want to die in your arms.
It sounds so dreadfully romantic.
They say you start dying sometime in your 30s.
I can't really get behind that mode of thinking.
Living is living.
Maybe we slow down, maybe we break down, maybe we falter.
Dead is dead, living is living.
I want to live in your arms.
There's a romantic phrase to live for.
I want to find you, unlock you, seal you mine,
and then...
I'll live in your arms.

Sorry reader who has made it this far... I really am rambling aren't I?  (I guess I still care about others' opinions of my writing. But I'm sick and a little bored... so I'm going to keep writing.)

I found this list of 100 questions to ask a potential gf/bf.  I've selected a few at random, and I'm going to answer them for YOU.  (Ha, still pretending that you're reading this.)



1. Where do you visualize yourself in 5 years, 10 years?

In 5 years, I will be about to turn 33.  I imagine myself very settled into a great career that involves perhaps guiding/consulting with people on their small business ventures.  I am in a great long-term relationship with a slightly older guy that constantly convinces me to take vacations to new places with him.  I am mostly in charge of my working schedule, so I can afford to do that.  He's a... teacher of some kind?  (Sure, why not?) We probably live together in Salt Lake?  My family has actually met him and likes him.  I'm out to everyone, and though there are the struggles that come with life... I have someone to help me through them, and to help through his own struggles.  I feel fulfilled by the mutual love we have for one another.  I look amazing!  (Hey!  I like this question!  :) )  10 years?  I'm about to turn 38.  Maybe me and 5 year guy worked, and maybe we didn't, but in 10 years YOU are definitely in my life.  We are freaking husbands!  We probably have a house (not too lavish, but in an incredible location).  We also have a beach house in California or some other (no duh) coastal locale.  We are waiting for the chance to adopt a child.  The wait is killing us, but we have each other to get through it.  I've sold a business, and am doing more consulting work.  He has published a best-seller in the dining category.  He has perfected the art of coming up with new dishes on the fly.  He is also an incredible dinner party host.  My dog has gotten kind of old, but he has become the king of the amateur racing league we've gotten him involved in.  Life is good!
2. Have you had an experience you would say has impacted the direction of your life?
Hells yes!  Quitting on the professional school I quit from gave me the confidence to make very difficult life decisions and to say "Damn my critics!"  I think that's why coming to grips with my homosexuality and coming out of the closet went so quickly and relatively smoothly for me.  It has helped me become who I am now.  A happy man!
37. Do you have any political opinions?  Ha... ha... hahaha... um... YES!  I have actually been actively involved in politics in the past.  Unfortunately, I wasn't really into the candidates I helped for political reasons.  Each time it was for the resume addition or money.  Ha!  I love staying up with politics, but it has become increasingly frustrating as I've realized I don't know a single politician that I can trust.  I honestly want a new party to rise up that sticks to its standards and doesn't sell the people out for cheap political gains.  These manipulative beasts we have running the show now are a train wreck.  As for my opinions on particular subjects... ask me I guess!
40. What do you think is the key to good parenting?  Knowing when to stand firm, and when to let your kids make some mistakes.  My mother taught me this when she let me make friends with a couple idiots.  I learned quickly that I didn't enjoy the trouble and stupidity that was my friendship with them... and I grew from the experience.  She also always expected me to hold certain standards, but it was always my choice to do so, and I appreciate that.  
48. What is your dream job? Roller coaster critic.  (Who somehow gets paid an adult salary?)
50. Which living celebrity/author/singer would you like to know?
Jon Hamm........ biblically  ;)  Ok, no... for real... it would probably be Bono.  Think of the incredible conversation, the amazing parties, and the music.  He could probably help me figure out how I can actually make a difference in this world. 
51. If you could meet a famous dead person, whom would you like to meet?
Jesus.  No question.
60. If you are allowed to do just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Hmmm... sex or travel... too hard to choose.  What an outlandish question!
70. If you have three wishes, what would you wish for?
Uh, 1. perfectly imperfect husband, 2. world peace, 3. for science to find a way for two gay men to have kids of their own??? (Without labor pains at all... hahaha...)    (I just saw a cute family hike past my house together... hence I'm thinking about kids.  :)  )
87. What are your expectations of me?  I expect you to be patient with me.  I expect you to try to improve and build our relationship as much as we can.  
88. Did you ever want to kill someone?  I don't think I've ever felt that violent toward anyone.  Maybe when I heard about a child molester or terrorist I felt that for a moment, but I generally only want to kick people in the shin/punch them in the face if they're actually in my life and I feel violent toward them at all.  
91. What would you do without electricity for 3 days?  Cry.  JK... I'd go camping and fishing.
94. Where are some places you like to go on dates?  Restaurants.  Eating and talking together is one of my favorite things in the world.  Being in nature.  Adding beautiful scenery to the mix usually always helps.  Fun places, too.  I always have fun at amusement parks.

Kind of odd for an anonymous blogger to tell you all about me.  I'm either really bored or really out of it to think this is a good idea!  

Whatever!  

It's my blog, deal with it bitches!

Mustering the Muster & The Listless Life

I have tried to muster the whatever it takes for me to write on this blog a few times this past month to no avail.  For whatever reason, we all seem to wax philosophical, possibly poetic, and (for some) full of hope for what lies ahead when an arbitrary calendar system shifts a number upward.  A 3 is a 4 now, and we're all suddenly better, brighter, bolder, and braver.  While my tone may sound negative toward this annual renaissance that seems to sweep through many of our lives, I actually feel that it doesn't seem like it hurts. I mean, what's so bad about all of us looking at our past 365 (or 366) days and thinking... "What happened?"  "Did I like what happened?"  "Can I make things better?"  "How can I make things better?"  ?  Nothing.  Nothing is bad about this.


I've spoken of the sort of apathy I've felt toward my religion of late, and I think my apathy miasma has extended outward to encompass the usual customs of self improvement, personal ambition, and seeking a higher plain of living that permeate my general environment and culture.  In other words... I haven't thought once about resolutions until just now when I thought about blogging.  I still don't know if I have anything to say about them, if I'm going to make them, or what they'd be.  I guess I'm just remarking on how odd it is that I haven't thought about them.  A few years back I thought quite a lot about them because I gave the New Year-ish lesson in priesthood about setting goals, etc.  I wrote an elaborate list of ideas for changing almost every "important" aspect of my life.  ...I'ma dig those up right now... found them:

• 1.    Run or lift weights at least 2 times EVERY week.  
• 2.    Develop my abilities to be understanding within my relationships.  Start by striving to let my mom know how much I care, and with [Insert name of a girl I was dating here] and any other personal relationships, make sure I listen to needs.
• 3.    Say a prayer before leaving the house EVERY day.
• 4.    Attend the temple at least once per month.
• 5.   
• A. Get to church on time each week.
• B.  Attend all three meetings.
• C.  Prepare to learn as best I can from each of the hours.
• 6.    Be more comfortable bearing my testimony to those close to me, and then, therefore, be able to attempt to share the gospel with others.
• 7.    Write in my journal at least once a month, and bear my testimony of the things the Lord has blessed me with/the experiences that have grown my testimony.

...Evidently I was pretty set on looking at the church and life accomplishments as a check list.  If I check all these seven boxes off... I'll be happy and righteous.

Well... I wasn't happy. No matter how good I tried to be, I could never find happiness.  I only got more and more depressed.  I'm happy now--I truly am.  How to explain that?  Maybe it's the apathy?  Maybe it's that I've finally figured out why I could never really identify who I was?  Maybe I'm finally free (for the most part) of the crushing anxiety I constantly felt about others' opinions of me?  Maybe I've rid myself of a church I didn't believe in?  I think most likely, it could be that I'm free of the checklist.  I don't have these boxes that must be checked for happiness to ensue.  That eternal marriage box loomed so so so large.  I just couldn't seem to get the pen anywhere near it to remove it from the grand list of happiness-providing stuff.  Checking boxes didn't really do much for me, really.  I think I got a false sense of comfort and got pride that I could show off my checked boxes to others.

So, shall we just get to the big finish?  This year, I'm going to live free of a check list.  I'm not going to try to squeeze my life into that shape that my culture, you, and even I have spent years telling me to sculpt it into.  I'm after happiness, and I suppose that this listless (hmm... that has multiple meanings, don't it?) life is how I've come to find it.  I'm still trying to also conquer the enigma of love along with all this happiness and general contentment... but that's another story.

The 75th Swan & Likening Scriptures

I'm oddly obsessed with the way that words can be formed in one construction, but be interpreted in so many different ways based upon our different experiences and perceptions.  I often excuse my terrible poetry by saying it meant something to me in the way I formed it, and if it doesn't mean something to you, that's just the failure of words to truly communicate an exact meaning.  (Surely, this poet cannot err!) I also blame this for my inability to understand an incredibly witty friend of mine.  He just communicates on an entirely different wavelength than me, but I know if I was smarter or communicated in a language closer to his perception, I would get it more often.  Derrida's line of thinking is really to blame for this peculiar fascination of mine with the weak-sauce nature of language.  While it can be seen a weakness, though, it's also pretty amazing how much words live and breathe.  

This brings us to this morning's drive to work.  I listened to a song I've listened to probably over 100 times in the past year.  It was 11 months ago that I heard "74 Swans" by Bell X1 for the first time.  At the time, (oh how time flies!) I was feeling pensive about my latest love labors spent in vain on a girl that chose "the other guy."  I cried as I listened to the lyrics of the song.  (Wow, this is the second time I've written about a song making me cry. I promise there are only like 3 songs that in and of themselves caused me to cry.)

Consider the lyrics and see what you think of them, I suppose: (it's not too long... bear with me...)
You counted 74 swans on the canal 
You counted 74 swans on the canal 
And you were glad it was an even number  
Everybody had another 
No-one was facing this cold alone

They were gathered between bridges 
in the steely sunshine 
Bookend by ice on either side 
Here comes a pair on final approach 
Wings like great white bellows 
Gathering inward to land 
and it looks like grace 

You counted 74 swans on the canal
You counted 74 swans on the canal
And you were glad it was an even number 
Everybody had another
No-one was facing this cold alone
I thought you were right there with me, on my left side
Too eager to get where I’m going, 
I left you behind
But you were on the last watch, 
The passing of the torch
You counted 74 swans, now there’s 75

My tear-inducing interpretation was that I was the 75th swan.  I was with that girl, and then I wasn't.  I was facing the bitter cold winter (and it WAS bitter cold) alone.  I wasn't a good enough guy to win her heart.

This was also in the midst of my last sincere effort to be soooo good at church that God would bless me with a woman to make that SSA stuff all just disappear.  I thought she was her.  She wasn't.  I also learned that despite how good I was being... my attraction to men was neither going away nor even fading.  I would have never admitted all of that at the time, but that was the truth.

Today, I found a new meaning for this construction of beautifully written words.  I was going somewhere.  There was a reason the 76th swan was gone.  She was a she!  I was eager to get to the 74 gay swans on the canal.  I kind of laughed as I thought of it, but it also made me really happy.  I've joined a rather small minority of people who have experienced things similar to what I've experienced, and that find themselves as Gay Mormons.  I might be an odd swan (oh... wordplay!)... but I'm happy where I am!

This reinterpretation of a song that had previously had profound emotional meaning that was quite different made me think about the oft-mentioned religious idea of "likening scriptures."  It's a pretty great concept.  You take the words of the scriptures, think about yourself, and you come up with your own interpretation of them.  But be careful, only do so with the guidance of the spirit.  Your interpretation might be wrong.  But it could also be right.  It might guide you to go to a certain school.  You'll think everything in your life will be amazing because you got your answer to your prayers via likened scriptures.  When you discover that that school was a disaster for you... you must have just likened wrong all along.  It just wasn't what you were supposed to get from those words.

So... I guess that was my cynical way of saying that likening scriptures is kind of a catch-all for individual answers.  I know there were times that I was seeking answers through prayer, and interpreting a scripture in some goofy way was my "answer."  Certainly I believe that if there is a god that does communicate with us, then he/she/it could certainly communicate via the living nature that words have.  However, I don't think that any of the times I thought I was communing with God through that form of communication were ever more than me thinking about what I thought the answer should be and finding it through my ability to interpret words in varying ways.

I don't love writing about my doubts.  But this remains my space to do so, I suppose.  I do love reminding myself how much happier I genuinely feel now that I'm out of the closet though.  Whatever you may believe about God, religion, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or anything else... if you're in the closet... I find it highly likely that you, too would benefit from coming out.  Do so in your way, and in the timing that's right for you.  But if you're like me and you just don't do it because you're afraid of the outcome but are pretty sure it would be better... just do it!  (Hey! That same construction of words has been motivating sales of sporting goods and clothing for years!  Now I'm using it to tell closeted Mohos to come out of their wretched wardrobes!)

Dear reader... whomever you may be, I wish you happiness.  It's available to all of us.  Take it from an odd guy that just found himself... found himself so happy he couldn't believe what he'd found could be real.  Take it from a 75th swan that found his home... found a home amongst some of the greatest people he's ever known to exist.  Take it from a man who has found self-confidence and true belief in happiness... found a polar opposite so striking that a desperately alone man who just months ago lay crumpled on the floor of an office, sobbing and considering the ways he might end it all would never dream of thinking it up.  Take it from a man who presently is weeping that he could ever have been so blinded to the happiness he's found that he considered blocking himself from ever having it.  Please look.  You'll find it, too.

What I Still Believe & Time And I Have Made Up

"Do you still believe in God?"

Hmm... I don't know. Yes? Yes, I think so.

"So, are you agnostic?"

Uh... honestly, I think I'm just apathetic? I know that sounds terrible... but I think it's the truth.

"What's your relationship with the church now? Do you still go?"

Uh... well, no. No, I don't. Honestly, I just feel like I'm just moving further from the church all the time. I still value it, and I'm happy if you're happy in your pursuit of it. It just doesn't feel like there's a place for me.

"Did you just leave it behind because it was easier?"

Well... probably yes. That's at least part of it for sure, because my life is definitely a ton easier without the church.

 These are some roughly accurate portions of some conversations I've had recently about my beliefs. Guys... I don't really know what I believe, and that stems from an apathy that kind of washed over me when I realized I was gay and that I didn't believe in the church anymore... at least not fully. A friend of mine recently commented on how despite leaving the church, he still believed in families being sealed. This baffled me at the time, but I think I've come to understand a bit of what he meant. While maybe he doesn't necessarily believe it works exactly the way the church teaches, he still probably believes that our families can be united into the hereafter. That sounds great. Why not believe it? I realized today as I was standing on a rooftop, putting up Christmas lights and enjoying the crap out of a fairly warm day with plenty of sun, that I think I still definitely believe in a hereafter. I believe that there is at least something about us that continues into the cosmos. Put in church terms, I think we do have some kind of a spirit that endures. I think this mainly because I think I've felt the presence of my grandfather after his passing. Which was a particularly powerful feeling because he died while I was on my mission. I missed the last year and a half or so of his life, and I didn't really get to say a proper good bye. As I write this, I think I'm realizing how mad I really was deep down about that. I knew the drill, though. I knew what was expected of me. I had to just keep my head down and work. Work for the church--build the kingdom--follow all the commandments--don't question the commandments--don't question the rules that pass themselves off as doctrinal commandments--don't think about your sexuality--never ever admit that you could possibly be gay. (Well that subject changed fast! Didn't it?) I just think the church is ridiculously rigid about a lot of things. Heaven forbid we let a kid fly home for a week of his TWO YEARS of service to say goodbye to someone that meant a lot to him. Literally... I think people in the church believe that heaven forbids that.

Ugh. Ironically this post was meant to be a pretty calm and casual listing of what I still believe! Now I'm all emotional! Moving on, nonetheless...

I still tend to think that the church has a lot of teachings on morals that are spot on. I think that generally following the commandments (the real ones, haha) leads to people being pretty good and well-rounded folks. This is leaving aside my feelings that people who are only attracted to their same gender should be given a lot more freedom to have the emotional connections that truly work for them. It also leaves aside the absolute fear of sex that is attempted to be instilled into church youth. I think I thought I was doing the most mature thing possible in shunning any thought of sex or sexuality. Nope... turns out it's actually most healthy if you allow yourself to gain some understanding of who you are and perspective on the value of sex by asking questions about these things. It won't kill you to let kids think for themselves and realize that sex isn't that big of a deal. In the grand scheme of things, it's just one part of healthy relationships.

I do also very very very much appreciate church teachings that are about serving others. Other-focused living is really the thing I want most to grasp on to as I pull away from my religious moorings. I definitely neither HAD nor do I presently HAVE an other-focused mindset that is the one I really want, but if I'm working toward it I'm happy.

I say I'm not bitter toward the church, but in many respects that's just not true. I do have things about the church that I'm bitter about. I think when I say I'm not bitter, I just mean that I'm not combative. I mean no outright war on the church, no desire to pull others from it (unless they're gay... haha... that makes me pretty evil probably... but it's the truth, because this is my honesty space, ain't it?), and no real compulsion to make it change. I just kind of want to step away myself.

 So, yeah. There's that stuff.

Furthermore, I have often said in these past few months and years that I was really upset that I'm so old to be discovering my sexuality. Ya know what? Who cares? I mean, yeah, I am a complete moron when it comes to dating. I have very little experience. But who cares? I feel more now like a deaf person that can hear. My past is my past. I had plenty of good times with how I was in the past, and I'm content with that. I'm just really happy that I know who I am now. I still have plenty of time. I'm enjoying dating. Even though I kind of have very little clue what I'm doing... I am enjoying it. I'm just being me, I'm learning, and I'm growing. Time, I forgive you, but I will also not waste any more of you complaining about how much of you has been wasted in striving to follow a religion that I followed so closely that it masked my true sexuality. So I'm done now. See y'all later.

(I'm not really sure what I've just written and I'm not going through to edit it at all... I'ma just leave it stand as a testament to however I've felt this afternoon.)

Cynicism Killer & An Easy List

I'm just cynical enough that often times when something is blatantly trying to get me to smile and be happy... I will hate it.  (Once in primary when I was maybe 6 or 7, the sharing time instructor saw that I was upset about something and brought me in front of the whole primary so they could sing the "if all the little raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops" song to me to make me happy. I, however, defiantly sat there with a frown, never giving in, and then returned to my seat when they finished.)  Though the above music video by Pharell Williams falls into the aforementioned category... I still love it!  The guy hopping at 1:40 and so many other moments are just tremendous.

My life isn't perfect... but I'm really starting to love it, and that is an incredible difference from where I've been before.  I've called it being happier than I've been in years, and it's the truth.  Though I still haven't found a boyfriend (obviously a process that could take me some time), I can't help but feel great about where I stand.  Looking up!  Not looking down in shame all the time.  Not burying my head in a blanket and crying.  Not turning off all the lights and sleeping through almost entire days because it was the only way I was comfortable living with myself.  Fuck depression! I'm kicking depression's ass.  Pretty stellar.

That said, I know that this euphoria might not last, but I think I'm equipped to handle a crash... if one happens.  I now have a strong support group that I know how to utilize.  I have many people who've offered to help. I have a lot more respect for myself, and I have the hope I mentioned in my last post that I could possibly end up truly happy.

I was asked by my date tonight what I want from a relationship.  To my surprise, a list of things started spilling out of me rather easily.  Apparently I've been thinking about it a lot!  I don't even know if I could recreate it now as easily as it came to me then, but here are some things I remember:

• I am me.  I don't have any sort of act going on, because I don't need one.  My partner is so supportive that I'm at ease being myself.  
• Not only that, but there is a general ease about the entire relationship.  We're both relaxed about where we stand together, and we both really know what our past, present, and, to the degree possible, our future entails and means.  
• He is comfortable disagreeing with me and has an opinion of his own.  Certainly, I'm not saying we argue, (though that might happen if it's important enough, and I think that can be helpful so long as respect remains between us) but we can each be our own selves.  Together we can arrive at happy cooperative solutions to things, but it's not always my way or his way.  
• It's a mutually respectful and balanced relationship in which we both contribute, and I feel both supported and needed.
• Oh, and the sex is pretty damn great.  (That, too!)

That's actually fairly close to the list that I said.  I don't know if that really sums it all up (surely there are other things that are kind of givens like being able to laugh, to get away from it all sometimes, honesty, fidelity, and not being a drug or gambling addict; then other preferential things like not being a smoker (I just really really hate that smell), him being beautiful, obviously!) but I'm pretty satisfied with the list.  Pipe dreams that I get something that sounds so cordial and peaceful? Maybe, but I think it sounds fairly reasonable.  

I don't know why I shared that, but I did.  I guess I'm just saying to myself (because honestly I think that's why I'm writing tonight... it's for me still guys!  Sorry!  I'm selfish like that.) that I'm sorting out what I want and I might actually be ready for a real relationship should my guy find his way to me.  

K, enough of this shit.  Bye!

Possibility Happiness & My Love

Guys, I'm just really, really happy.  I have finally accepted the possibility that I might end up truly, truly happy.  And that makes me happy.  (Your thought: Three sentences in a row that end in "happy?"  Who the Hell's blog am I reading?!!)

Something pretty simple, yet amazing, happened to effect this change.  I had needed so badly to see what being my true self (while being in public with friends) is like.  I had the chance to see it!  I have found some incredible friends that know the things about me that have caused me so much misery, and they don't judge me for them... and they don't treat me any differently because of them... they just are fun.  If you haven't found that for yourself, trust me... it's out there, and it's incredible.  If you are among these few great people who have managed to just give me a taste of you being you while I was being ME... thanks!

(Hmm... I feel like I'm really rusty in writing right now.  Oh, well!  Deal with it, bitches!)

I'm also happy because I came out to a couple work friends, and I have at least a couple people there that can allow me to be me.  I'm very relieved to finally have that, because for forty hours each week, I felt like I needed to keep hiding like when I was completely in the closet.  I don't want back in that stupid closet.  It's dark in there and it smells like mothballs.  (By the way... WHAT THE HELL IS A MOTHBALL?)

Oh.  So in this analogy, mothballs are secrets, and moths are happiness?

So, I've been thinking a lot about the one last step to being "truly happy."  Finding him!  Mr. Truly Happy.  This is a troubling thing though, as I worry that he might have the same love-style that I do.  When I fall in serious like with someone, I get this like ache for them in my stomach, they occupy a spot reserved just for them and people like them in my brain like a penalty box in hockey, and some other part of my brain is hell-bent on destroying any sort of hope that might fill that box.  I have this weakling sort of love that is all-too anxious to destroy any entity to which my hopes of love are attached.  Does this all sound crazy?  Well, it feels like I'm crazy.  Love should be losing yourself in the hope, being totally annihilated if it doesn't work out, and being reborn into some other relationship... right?  Or is that crazy to want, too?  I think the point is that I don't really know love, because I always sabotage it's growth in me by simply telling myself that I'm not good enough.  That seems to always be all it takes.  What if my Mr. Truly Happy is the same way?  What if his anxiety keeps him from asking me out because he somehow has deluded himself into thinking he's not good enough for the likes of me?  What if I miss out on him because I don't take the early steps to shout at that moron and tell him he's all I've been dreaming of...?  

Say something if you're out there.  I'll do my best to remind you always how beautiful you really are, how you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and how we both need to strengthen our love-styles and recognize that we're both worth it... we deserve love and happiness.  Truly.

Learning How To Be A Friend Again & Learning How To Make Friends Again

Something has changed about me in the last few months or years that really snuck up on me.  I didn't realize that I was starting to become a really terrible friend.  I think being in the closet has made me become really closed off, guarded, and frankly, not very fun to be around.

I want to be fun Graham again.  I used to really be able to laugh with and entertain my friends, and I just don't feel like I can do that anymore.  Maybe I'll never feel quite like I did before, but why can't I lighten up again at least?

I suppose it's a lot to ask of myself to just suddenly be comfortable in what feels like entirely new skin.  Perhaps I just need some time, but I wish I hadn't been such a sucky friend the last while.  I have things I can blame for it, but that's not important.  What's important is that I just want to change.  I want to be better.  I want to be the best version of me that I can be.  I hope that my mind is really ready to grasp that the best version of me might look, act, feel, and sound quite different than the old best version of me.

I'm just ready to not suck at life.

I'm also faced with the realization that after all these years, I've also kind of forgotten how to make friends.  I'm kind of making some friends at work right now, but I don't know if they're the kind of friends I need at the moment.  Old Graham would have gotten along swimmingly with them, and they likely would have gotten along very well with old Graham.  But I'm not him anymore.

I find it difficult to introduce people to me anymore because I've been through a couple years of identity chaos.  Yeah, poor me, and stuff... but the thing is, I started coming out so that I could have support.  I'm just finding myself lacking in my ability to properly embrace that support.

Is any of this making sense?

I hung out with an old friend last night that is extremely understanding and supportive of me in going through what I'm going through.  However, I felt like I was a drag to hang out with for him.  Am I just getting old?  Haha, oi.

See, old Graham would have kept all this stuff to himself and just dealt with it.  Present Graham whines about everything it seems.  That is not something I want to be a part of the best version of present Graham.

I got some learnin' to do.

Uh... k, bye.

And a salamander?

Hear Me Hear & The Wonder

I'm terribly sorry.  I've written another poem.  So if you find yourself compelled to read everything I write, you also will find yourself compelled to read said poem.  Without more ado, I give you:

"HEAR ME HEAR"
Life is a song.
It's only on for so long.
Freely flowing time ambles about,
Exerting a force jettisoning those who can't figure it out. 

I found that I admired its introduction.
Somehow it sounded like my most pure reflections. 

A while later and I see the value of these discordant choruses and verses. 

Somehow I think it melds together if I learn the emotion of love,
Or at least I learn how to move on from the introduction above.
Never you mind what happens when it's all through.
Get going at learning to love others and most of all, you.

Well, maybe that wasn't so awful for you.  Maybe it wasn't much of anything to you.  I write poems for me, and then I think that they're so deep.  I think this because they're about the emotions I'm experiencing, so of course I have an emotional connection with them.  That doesn't make them good.  Poems are good when almost anyone recognizes a piece of humanity in them.  Whatever.  I am just me.  I don't know how to be one of you.  And that's kind of what still has me down.

I'm not depressed in NEARLY the same fashion that I was when I was in the closet.  (Yes, I'm still being anonymous here, but that's mostly because I've written extremely personal things here that are quite different than saying, "Hi long time friend! I'm a gay now, ok?")  So I count myself as pretty well out.  And I'm not crushed by sadness anymore.  That's how I felt with the depression of finding out I'm gay and not feeling like I could share that with anyone without destroying everything I liked about my life.

I'm free of all of that.

Now I think I'm just a bit depressed because I'm still me.  Ha!  Why was it that I thought embracing gay would make me so much better at making friends, at being able to love, at being loved?  (I don't know that I really thought that, but I had a lot of general optimism at first glance outside the closet.)  Now my anxiety that I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough, and I'm just not going to be loved is pretty well back.  I thought it when I was trying to date women, and even in just thinking about dating men I still think it.  The wonder is... will I ever find love?  I sure hope so.  I still just have that nagging fear that I might have gone through all this coming out business to no avail.  I may as well have just stayed silently gay if I can't find someone through being openly gay.

I'm sorry guys.  Not the most fun shit to read.  I hate sharing this kind of thing, too.  It leaves you either genuinely wanting to console me, feeling forced to console me, or repulsed by my lack of confidence.  It doesn't really put me in a stronger stead, but solidifies to myself that I lack confidence.

Oh well!  Guess I'm still being honest.  Even if it's painful.  That's something... isn't it?

Testimonies About My Life & Music

I haven't wanted to blog in here because this blog is mostly full of my shit-storming.  (Similar to brain storming only instead of thinking about ideas it's mostly full of thinking about the shit going on in my life.)  My life has been going pretty great lately, so I haven't had much to vent or write about.  However, I have had a shit-filled night... so here I am to shit-storm.

A couple days ago was National Coming Out Day.  As it came to a close, I decided I still wasn't going to let it get past me without finally coming out to all of my closest friends.  So sometime after midnight yesterday I started writing a bunch of personalized letters to my friends.  I sent them off probably about 5am-ish and fell asleep.  Throughout my Saturday, I read the responses, talked to some friends on the phone, and generally felt great about what everyone was saying.  There were four people who hadn't responded when I started getting ready to go to sleep last night.  One finally texted me, saying she was upset that I hadn't told her in person, but I told her I'm just a coward and don't want to see people's gut reactions to all of it.  Plus, writing a big long letter lets me get everything out about everything before people feel the need to interject with advice or well-wishing or whatever.  So anyway, today I didn't hear from any of the other three.  Then, I heard from the one that I was most worried about.  He's "Zach" from a story I told previously on here.  Luckily, he sounds like he's very shaken, but that he's going to be alright.  He kind of already joked with me, which I take as a very good sign that our very close friendship will survive and remain strong.

Then, tonight, like they had colluded on how to make my night as miserable as possible, the other two finally wrote me messages.  The first, was a friend that I'll call Tom.  Tom and I haven't been very close the last few years, partially because of living very far from each other, and partially because he got married about a year ago.  Before all the space though, we were very close friends that could talk about just about anything.  So, I decided to include him amongst the friends I was going to come out to.  He had the same kind of knee-jerk response to convince me that the church was the only right answer that a couple of my sisters had.  Only his was a LOT longer and LOT more personal and a LOT more strongly worded.  He was saying all the things that those of us that are MoHos who are kind of jaded REALLY don't want to hear.  "I know you've been attracted to girls."  "I know you have a testimony." And then there was the real kicker: "I have no doubt that you could be VERY happily married to a woman in the same way that I am happily married..."  !!!  Some of the things he said, brought back the desire I had to be a bisexual.  The desire to just be able to have sex with at least one woman who could love me despite my SSA, etc and that I could be sexually attracted to.  He appealed to my doubts that I know I'm gay.  I took some time to calm down, gather my thoughts, and then I sent him a message back.  I tried my best to use forceful language to state my positions and let him know that I didn't really appreciate him testifying about his perceptions of my personal experiences and sexuality.  I was as clear in my arguments as I could be.  I know where I stand, I would never have come out to my family and friends if I weren't.  I understand where he's coming from, and I appreciate his concern.  (I told him as much.)  I just really don't like being told that I should take a chance on a marriage that could be full of resentment and that would certainly be a troubling sexual experience for both parties.  I told him that he kind of "poked the bear" and that a lot of what I was telling him was built up emotional stuff.  While I've had a very supportive friend group and family through this process (especially considering how negatively many peoples' families react), it still hasn't made everything about this easy.  It still sucks in a lot of ways.  And Tom just brought a lot of emotional shit-storming up.  Then, just a few minutes after I finished up with that emotional response to Tom, I got a message from the last remaining hold out.

This was a message from the last girl that I seriously pursued dating.  She and I have still kind of been hanging out.  Her message made me cry.  It was the final straw in the shitty night I felt like I was having.  She told me she was fine that I was gay, but that she was sure that I had basically used her as a beard (She never said that word, but that's what she meant) that I had deceived her, and that I had led her on.  She felt like it was "obvious" that I had already made up my mind about being gay even while I was still acting like I was pursuing her.  She and I have had a lot of exchanges like this.  She is really good at being a victim, but to be fair, she has been a victim a LOT in her life.  I love her, she deserves to be incredibly happy... so it broke my heart to read that she felt I was using her and lying to her.  In my message I had explained that I had lied a lot to everyone around me about me being gay, etc... but I didn't explain the exact timeline of these lies and that most of the lies were just little things I would say to convince people that I thought women were attractive or that I wasn't gay.  I never intentionally used this girl as a beard, and I did not pursue her intentionally after I came out to myself.  I did have one night where I kind of flirted with her since then, and I told her as much, and that I felt awful that she felt betrayed.  Anyway, so she's spent the last two days feeling like shit because of me, and I tried to get this message through to her before she went to bed, but according to Facebook she hasn't seen the message yet, and probably went to bed still feeling like shit.  I HATE communication.  It's so damn hard sometimes.  I wish that words just meant what they meant, and that we all just understood the exact truth of what other people are trying to communicate and no more.  I realize that she'll probably realize she was wrong when she finally reads this, but I still feel like shit that I made her feel so betrayed.    It was just a lot to deal with on top of the other emotions that are just kind of always in the background these days.

So, yes, I'm out to my closest friends and family.  They're largely being very loving and supportive.  No one has said that they don't love me.  No one has said that they'll stop loving me.  (Well, the girl I was just talking about said that she felt like we could never be as good of friends as we have been.)  But, largely I'm a very lucky guy, and I wish that all Mohos got the kinds of overwhelmingly positive responses I've gotten.  Yes, I'm getting a lot of pressure about my feelings on the church, but I understand that, and I'm learning to deal with that.  But tonight did suck.  So there's my shit-storm for the weekend.

While I was writing back to "Tom" about his belief that I had a testimony, I felt compelled to talk about some of my doubts.  One of the doubts that came to mind that I didn't actually write to him about was about "feeling the spirit."  I have had experiences where I was convinced I had "felt the spirit" from the time I was a teenager up into my twenties.  It almost always feels the exact same.  Sometimes I felt like I had a simple message come to mind, but otherwise I would have one of those feelings that is genuinely hard to explain.  I remember one experience I had when I was a teenager.  I had already felt this kind of feeling before and had identified it as "the spirit."  One night, I was listening to a U2 song that I enjoyed and I "felt the spirit."  Oh wait... did I feel the spirit?  Well, whatever happened, it was the exact same feeling that I felt most of the other times.  This really puzzled me, but, as I was wont to do as a young Mormon, I shoved it down and pretended it didn't happen.  But it would come to mind multiple times throughout my adult life when I would doubt the spirit's authenticity.  That wasn't an isolated experience either.  I have had other encounters with good music where I felt that way.  Music that certainly wasn't about the gospel, or about truths even.  Just music I liked.

I don't explain that to make other people doubt, but it just came to mind tonight as I've been listening to music that I use as catharsis.  I am so grateful for music.  It has a way of healing me that nothing else does.  It's hard to explain.  So many (probably the vast majority) of my spiritual experiences have revolved around music.  So many of my nights spent being depressed were recovered from through music.  The not-so-great night I had is being recovered from currently through music.  I think it just helps me to feel things.  I don't know what I'm writing about anymore, but I'm just glad that music somehow helps me get things out.  Kind of like the way shedding tears sometimes can just feel good, listening to music that matches my emotional state just feels right.

I don't know what's happening next in my life, but I'm ok.  I'm so very happy that I'm ok after coming out to the people who matter most to me in my life.  I just hope I can figure out how to make this happiness last.

Well, good night, Mohos.  You're incredible and your blogs lift and inspire me probably more than I tell you.  Please know that at least this guy loves you.

Dear Family, I'm Gay & Blue Whales

I thought I'd have some epic chronological story about coming out, but I just don't know that I have the energy to extract the data from my brain to author something like that for you.  It seems I've been through so much that my brain haphazardly filed everything away.  Let me try to at least construct the Cliff's Notes on my story of coming out to my family.  (Do people even know what Cliff's Notes are anymore?)

So, the family party seems like a decent place to begin.  Everyone except my sister's family that lives on the east coast was there.  We had fun.  We all laughed.  We talked about celebrity crushes... oh man... that was odd.  I knew that that conversation would never go the same way for me ever again.  I told them Rachel Weisz, which certainly was a celebrity crush of mine in the past, but if I had been honest, these days it's definitely Matt Damon!  I was looking around at all the smiling faces, and I worried, what if this is the last time I get to do this?  What if it's never like this for me again?  I pulled out my phone and took covert pictures of everyone around me.  I have been to dozens and dozens of family parties like that, but I will always remember that one.

That night I personalized a letter for everyone.  Each of my siblings and my parents.  I poured so much into those letters.  I felt completely emotionally drained after writing all of them.  The next day, was the Monday that I had set as my goal.  I was determined to make it happen.  I locked myself in my room.  I set up an email to my sister that doesn't have Facebook, and I set up a Facebook message to each other member of my family (attaching an extra file to my message to my mom, for her to print out for my technologically-challenged father.)  I poured through each one... making sure it was just right.  I went to the one for my mom... hit a button... and away it went.  I hit send on each other message, and on the email.

There!  I had done it.  I came out to my family.  What I felt more than fear, was that I should be feeling some emotions.  I didn't really feel anything too strongly.

But that changed when Facebook informed me that my mom had seen it, and I got a message back from her moments later.  I was scared.  Until I read, "So how do I print these?"  She had read the message on her phone and thought I'd texted the letter attachments to her.  So, maybe both my parents are technologically challenged.  :-)

Anyway, she then read it, and texted me a brief message about her love and support.  Then Facebook said my brother read it a while later.  An hour after it said he'd read my message, he called.  We had a good short talk, and he told me he loved me and understood where I was coming from.  Then my sister sent me a text... no wait, two texts... no 3...4.... oh... that's right... 37 texts all at once!  (I have two technologically-challenged parents, and apparently a technologically-challenged sister!)  She actually thought she was going to type it out on her messenger and then email it to me, but instead it came in 37 texts that came in in random order.  I got the gist of what she was saying though... she loved me, and was surprised because we'd talked about women I dated before, and that she knew the gospel would bring me happiness.  Then I got two emails from my other two sisters... each saying they knew the gospel would bring me happiness, they loved me, and had no problem that I was gay.  The next day, dad called to tell me he loved me.  (He's not a man of many words and pretty much left it at that.)  I also got a call from my brother-in-law.  He's the kindest man I know.  I'll leave it at that.

So, it wasn't a dramatic experience.  Everyone just made me feel so relieved.  And for, I think, the first time in my life, I had said  "I love you" to each member of my family, and had heard it from each of them, too.  Each of my sisters expressed that they were worried about my feelings about the church, because in my letters I explained that I was considering leaving the church behind, but that I hadn't made any concrete decisions as of yet.  I started to feel somewhat pressured by them already, but I just deflected and didn't engage on those conversations with them.

Point being, I'm through it.  I came out to my family, and I'm fine.  I still have pretty much the same dilemma to sort out.  Do I continue looking for answers from the gospel?  Or do I look for answers from the world?  How am I supposed to move forward?

...I figure that... I'll just figure it out as I go along.  I'm not in the hurry I may have previously felt like I wanted to be in.  I honestly don't know what's in my future, but my sister gave me some good advice that stuck... I should move forward remaining cognizant of my spirituality.  I am a spiritual person, she said.  I should still keep that as part of my worldview, whether it includes the church or not.  I appreciated that she said that a great deal.

Moving along chronologically, I have indeed gone on a trip.  I am presently blogging this from a hotel room in Southern California.  It's been great to get some warm weather and avoid the first snow of the Fall/Winter (Fwinter?).  Today, I went out onto the ocean and saw a pod of blue whales feeding on top of the ocean!  It was an incredible experience that I'll never forget.  There were a few gay couples on board the ship, too, and I found myself watching them quite a lot.  I just want to know what it's like to be able to just be out to the world like that.  I had the thought today that we gay folks are kind of like the blue whales.  Blue whales were hunted nearly to extinction, but then were protected by laws when it was found they were being unfairly forced from this world.  I find myself a bit like a blue whale born into the world after protections have started to be established.  What would my coming out have been like if I had done it in decades past?  Certainly I wouldn't have gotten, "It's no problem that you're gay," quite as thoroughly as I have from my family.  Maybe even if it had been five years ago it would have been a little rougher.  I'm just grateful for my family's love and support.  I worry about whether they'll really be as supportive if I do, in fact, leave the church... but I can understand that.

I doubt this is the post I was hoping for after all of this, and maybe it wasn't the one you were hoping for either.  Who cares?  I'm happy.  I'm happy that my family knows.  Now I just need to figure out how to deal with each of my friends.  I get to sort out what's next for me.  It's kind of exciting.