Testimonies About My Life & Music

I haven't wanted to blog in here because this blog is mostly full of my shit-storming.  (Similar to brain storming only instead of thinking about ideas it's mostly full of thinking about the shit going on in my life.)  My life has been going pretty great lately, so I haven't had much to vent or write about.  However, I have had a shit-filled night... so here I am to shit-storm.

A couple days ago was National Coming Out Day.  As it came to a close, I decided I still wasn't going to let it get past me without finally coming out to all of my closest friends.  So sometime after midnight yesterday I started writing a bunch of personalized letters to my friends.  I sent them off probably about 5am-ish and fell asleep.  Throughout my Saturday, I read the responses, talked to some friends on the phone, and generally felt great about what everyone was saying.  There were four people who hadn't responded when I started getting ready to go to sleep last night.  One finally texted me, saying she was upset that I hadn't told her in person, but I told her I'm just a coward and don't want to see people's gut reactions to all of it.  Plus, writing a big long letter lets me get everything out about everything before people feel the need to interject with advice or well-wishing or whatever.  So anyway, today I didn't hear from any of the other three.  Then, I heard from the one that I was most worried about.  He's "Zach" from a story I told previously on here.  Luckily, he sounds like he's very shaken, but that he's going to be alright.  He kind of already joked with me, which I take as a very good sign that our very close friendship will survive and remain strong.

Then, tonight, like they had colluded on how to make my night as miserable as possible, the other two finally wrote me messages.  The first, was a friend that I'll call Tom.  Tom and I haven't been very close the last few years, partially because of living very far from each other, and partially because he got married about a year ago.  Before all the space though, we were very close friends that could talk about just about anything.  So, I decided to include him amongst the friends I was going to come out to.  He had the same kind of knee-jerk response to convince me that the church was the only right answer that a couple of my sisters had.  Only his was a LOT longer and LOT more personal and a LOT more strongly worded.  He was saying all the things that those of us that are MoHos who are kind of jaded REALLY don't want to hear.  "I know you've been attracted to girls."  "I know you have a testimony." And then there was the real kicker: "I have no doubt that you could be VERY happily married to a woman in the same way that I am happily married..."  !!!  Some of the things he said, brought back the desire I had to be a bisexual.  The desire to just be able to have sex with at least one woman who could love me despite my SSA, etc and that I could be sexually attracted to.  He appealed to my doubts that I know I'm gay.  I took some time to calm down, gather my thoughts, and then I sent him a message back.  I tried my best to use forceful language to state my positions and let him know that I didn't really appreciate him testifying about his perceptions of my personal experiences and sexuality.  I was as clear in my arguments as I could be.  I know where I stand, I would never have come out to my family and friends if I weren't.  I understand where he's coming from, and I appreciate his concern.  (I told him as much.)  I just really don't like being told that I should take a chance on a marriage that could be full of resentment and that would certainly be a troubling sexual experience for both parties.  I told him that he kind of "poked the bear" and that a lot of what I was telling him was built up emotional stuff.  While I've had a very supportive friend group and family through this process (especially considering how negatively many peoples' families react), it still hasn't made everything about this easy.  It still sucks in a lot of ways.  And Tom just brought a lot of emotional shit-storming up.  Then, just a few minutes after I finished up with that emotional response to Tom, I got a message from the last remaining hold out.

This was a message from the last girl that I seriously pursued dating.  She and I have still kind of been hanging out.  Her message made me cry.  It was the final straw in the shitty night I felt like I was having.  She told me she was fine that I was gay, but that she was sure that I had basically used her as a beard (She never said that word, but that's what she meant) that I had deceived her, and that I had led her on.  She felt like it was "obvious" that I had already made up my mind about being gay even while I was still acting like I was pursuing her.  She and I have had a lot of exchanges like this.  She is really good at being a victim, but to be fair, she has been a victim a LOT in her life.  I love her, she deserves to be incredibly happy... so it broke my heart to read that she felt I was using her and lying to her.  In my message I had explained that I had lied a lot to everyone around me about me being gay, etc... but I didn't explain the exact timeline of these lies and that most of the lies were just little things I would say to convince people that I thought women were attractive or that I wasn't gay.  I never intentionally used this girl as a beard, and I did not pursue her intentionally after I came out to myself.  I did have one night where I kind of flirted with her since then, and I told her as much, and that I felt awful that she felt betrayed.  Anyway, so she's spent the last two days feeling like shit because of me, and I tried to get this message through to her before she went to bed, but according to Facebook she hasn't seen the message yet, and probably went to bed still feeling like shit.  I HATE communication.  It's so damn hard sometimes.  I wish that words just meant what they meant, and that we all just understood the exact truth of what other people are trying to communicate and no more.  I realize that she'll probably realize she was wrong when she finally reads this, but I still feel like shit that I made her feel so betrayed.    It was just a lot to deal with on top of the other emotions that are just kind of always in the background these days.

So, yes, I'm out to my closest friends and family.  They're largely being very loving and supportive.  No one has said that they don't love me.  No one has said that they'll stop loving me.  (Well, the girl I was just talking about said that she felt like we could never be as good of friends as we have been.)  But, largely I'm a very lucky guy, and I wish that all Mohos got the kinds of overwhelmingly positive responses I've gotten.  Yes, I'm getting a lot of pressure about my feelings on the church, but I understand that, and I'm learning to deal with that.  But tonight did suck.  So there's my shit-storm for the weekend.

While I was writing back to "Tom" about his belief that I had a testimony, I felt compelled to talk about some of my doubts.  One of the doubts that came to mind that I didn't actually write to him about was about "feeling the spirit."  I have had experiences where I was convinced I had "felt the spirit" from the time I was a teenager up into my twenties.  It almost always feels the exact same.  Sometimes I felt like I had a simple message come to mind, but otherwise I would have one of those feelings that is genuinely hard to explain.  I remember one experience I had when I was a teenager.  I had already felt this kind of feeling before and had identified it as "the spirit."  One night, I was listening to a U2 song that I enjoyed and I "felt the spirit."  Oh wait... did I feel the spirit?  Well, whatever happened, it was the exact same feeling that I felt most of the other times.  This really puzzled me, but, as I was wont to do as a young Mormon, I shoved it down and pretended it didn't happen.  But it would come to mind multiple times throughout my adult life when I would doubt the spirit's authenticity.  That wasn't an isolated experience either.  I have had other encounters with good music where I felt that way.  Music that certainly wasn't about the gospel, or about truths even.  Just music I liked.

I don't explain that to make other people doubt, but it just came to mind tonight as I've been listening to music that I use as catharsis.  I am so grateful for music.  It has a way of healing me that nothing else does.  It's hard to explain.  So many (probably the vast majority) of my spiritual experiences have revolved around music.  So many of my nights spent being depressed were recovered from through music.  The not-so-great night I had is being recovered from currently through music.  I think it just helps me to feel things.  I don't know what I'm writing about anymore, but I'm just glad that music somehow helps me get things out.  Kind of like the way shedding tears sometimes can just feel good, listening to music that matches my emotional state just feels right.

I don't know what's happening next in my life, but I'm ok.  I'm so very happy that I'm ok after coming out to the people who matter most to me in my life.  I just hope I can figure out how to make this happiness last.

Well, good night, Mohos.  You're incredible and your blogs lift and inspire me probably more than I tell you.  Please know that at least this guy loves you.