tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post7125336135209022070..comments2022-01-09T17:01:20.838-08:00Comments on The most honest I have ever been.: I'm A Monster & A Freak Of Nature *UPDATED*Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-91403058937506915862013-09-25T02:29:12.030-07:002013-09-25T02:29:12.030-07:00Thanks for this recommendation.Thanks for this recommendation.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-17695953035281867862013-09-24T22:14:44.894-07:002013-09-24T22:14:44.894-07:002 resources for you to check out with the whole na...2 resources for you to check out with the whole nature v nurture deal. <br /><br />http://bradcarmack.blogspot.com/2011/01/chapter-2-what-causes-homosexuality.html<br /><br />and <br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YRF0Ep9lWE<br />Mormon Stories #212: Dr. William Bradshaw Part 4 of 5 - Homosexuality and the LDS ChurchAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-65691209686113920552013-09-23T20:09:57.506-07:002013-09-23T20:09:57.506-07:00Josh, i keep my posts to a strict 700-750 word lim...Josh, i keep my posts to a strict 700-750 word limit.......<br /><br />not.;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-44078337838876985742013-09-22T22:47:40.520-07:002013-09-22T22:47:40.520-07:00I didn't think you were trying to pressure or ...I didn't think you were trying to pressure or guilt me into anything. I believe that you're right, and at the time I think I knew that... hence why it was so tempting. But like I said, I just am not quite ready to be that bold. And if you've read my update, I'm now feeling a lot better. "Zach" is in a much better place already as far as his tone about everything. I actually considered coming out to him because of it. But because of the nature of our relationship (I feel like an older brother), I want to have some extra things planned out to say to him. Anyway, I think I understood your original intentions with your comment. (And your comments are always appreciated... even if you do decide to pressure me a bit! ;-) )Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-90148753456221277782013-09-22T21:06:15.821-07:002013-09-22T21:06:15.821-07:00Oh, no, I certainly wasn't trying to pressure ...Oh, no, I certainly wasn't trying to pressure or guilt you - only to suggest that they might be more receptive than you think.Evanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18400601923599341233noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-21547611410002990822013-09-22T15:36:31.817-07:002013-09-22T15:36:31.817-07:00Yes, for some reason it does matter to me. I gues...Yes, for some reason it does matter to me. I guess it's just a matter of wanting to know if I did this to myself somehow, if my environment did, or if nature did it to me. Not because I'd be making different choices NOW, but more just because I am curious about what is the cause for the situation. Does that make sense? So, no, it's not really a big deal whether it's genetic or not in the grand scheme of things, I just really want to know what makes me who I am. (It likely also stems from my present steps away from the church... I don't know if I believe God created me... so what did? Etc. etc.)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-32063754448881256572013-09-22T15:30:53.273-07:002013-09-22T15:30:53.273-07:00Trev, I agree. Josh should make that into a post,...Trev, I agree. Josh should make that into a post, and I've gotten some great advice thus far. Thanks for the empathy! Sorry you had to feel it though! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-89667176658083180402013-09-22T15:18:42.318-07:002013-09-22T15:18:42.318-07:00LOL, Zurdo... I sure hope we're Blog BFFs. I ...LOL, Zurdo... I sure hope we're Blog BFFs. I know exactly what you're talking about. I have to tell you a story. I recently was visiting a female friend who had a brand new roommate. This roommate and I had a mutual acquaintance. Once she found that out, she started gushing to me about how much she adored him and everything about him. She went on and on... and I started wondering if she was literally crazy. After the conversation ended and she left, I talked to my friend about her and my friend said that her roommate was just acting like most girls do about boys they like. She seemed nuts to me, as an outside witness. Fast forward to when I started having a shockingly real crush on my roommate. I think, to be honest, I started turning into that raving girl over him! I might have tempered my explanations on my blog, but I think I know that I was (am) honestly as crazy about him as that woman was about that man. And that just seems moronic to me. Because in both circumstances, the man who was crushed upon was SO unavailable. Anyway, I don't know that I've ever turned into a real raving girl about any of the girls I've liked in the past. I did some really good convincing... but I never made things happen. I actually kind of went on dates with my roommate as secretly as I could arrange them! Ok, anyway... I get what you're saying, MOHOBBFF. As for Zach... we'll see. I might kind of bring up the uncomfortable gay subject again because I found out that I actually told him some things that weren't true. Maybe that will help me further gage the situation.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-21059561831844770552013-09-22T15:07:07.387-07:002013-09-22T15:07:07.387-07:00Josh, thank you so much for taking the time to mak...Josh, thank you so much for taking the time to make this comment for me. And for reading (but I'm also sorry for you for having to read my insanity. :) ) I actually reread my own blog today, too. I had to take some time to think about my response to you. I once again marvel at how quickly I've accepted the truth about myself as I've begun blogging. I think finally letting in some doubt was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. This process is pretty terrifying. I love control... and destruction is not easy to control. Things get messy, and my feelings are certainly no different. I know that I'm gay. I've discovered that much, and it's quite the accomplishment. I'm just anxious to get to my new ordinary. My new day-to-day. Can't rush it... but I wish it would rush itself. Anyway, I sincerely thank you for your comment and your willingness to talk things through with me. I added you to my gchat thingy, just in case. I can really say that joining this Moho community has definitely exceeded my expectations. While you said that it's so hard because we don't have a framework for these experiences as they don't match what we're taught to expect, I at least feel like the blogs of other men (and women) in similar circumstances have helped me sort a lot of this out. So thank you to you, and thank you to Moho bloggers in general!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-35987367621977550362013-09-22T13:36:51.759-07:002013-09-22T13:36:51.759-07:00I'm not an expert on genetic things, but Richa...I'm not an expert on genetic things, but Richard Dawkins has some applicable insights about traits that are not good for individuals but are good for close kin groups in The Selfish Gene.<br /><br />More importantly, does it matter to you whether there's a genetic component or not? Would you live your life differently if you weren't " born this way"?Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03156523925956642311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-29140430461613868922013-09-22T12:48:23.555-07:002013-09-22T12:48:23.555-07:00Thanks Evan. I knew there were studies out there,...Thanks Evan. I knew there were studies out there, and as I drove home last night I was definitely thinking that I'd look some of them up. I will check that link out. Yeah, I think I get what you mean, and I know that I could challenge a lot of people's opinions on gays. It was tempting to do as you did, but I'm just not ready yet. I think I need more time to be confident in myself as a gay man before I'll be ready to start having these gayology conversations. I am feeling a bit better today, thanks!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04306489636035506639noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-60262310864333600532013-09-22T12:30:19.169-07:002013-09-22T12:30:19.169-07:00Are you implying that blog posts are not usually &...Are you implying that blog posts are not usually "regular post" length ;)Joshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02429901511386748378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-78360889436041661122013-09-22T11:49:08.048-07:002013-09-22T11:49:08.048-07:00Great post and comments. Reading this post was act...Great post and comments. Reading this post was actually pretty frustrating for me--I feel your pain! Your comment leavers have said some wise, useful stuff, though.<br /><br />Josh, you should turn that comment into a blog post of your own. It's perfect "regular post" blog length.Trevhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03258097334170692217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-46123209865720569262013-09-22T11:37:22.611-07:002013-09-22T11:37:22.611-07:00Thanks for this post and kudos to the above commen...Thanks for this post and kudos to the above comments. <br /><br />I can't really add much to what was already said, but here's a little test that I discovered that definitely cleared up any confusion I had growing up: <br /><br />When a girl showed interest in me, it was pleasant. I was happy inside, but never felt fulfilled. When a guy showed interest, I felt joyous, giddy, happy, and about as close to fulfilled as I could get. We're talkin' butterflies. That comparison just put everything together for me and cleared up any confusion I had left. <br /><br />I know you're still new at the whole realizing and accepting, but pay close attention to your feelings when someone from each gender shows an interest in you. <br /><br />And I'm only going off your story, but I'm catching a gay vibe on your friend Zach. Before coming out to him, I would test the waters a bit more. <br /><br />We've commented on each other's blogs now. Are we like Blog BFF's now? Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00690707657191084655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-55212018560850410512013-09-22T10:02:04.203-07:002013-09-22T10:02:04.203-07:00Hey, I just found your blog late last night and th...Hey, I just found your blog late last night and then read through the whole thing both last night and this morning. I have to say that I totally relate to what you're saying about doubting the "ho" part. I know exactly what you mean about fabricating feelings for girls and getting all confused about which feelings are genuine and which feelings are made up. That's one of the hard parts about growing up gay in a straight world--your personal experiences match nothing you were taught to expect, and so you have no context in which to understand your emotions. I was taught that I would start liking girls, and so when I got to a certain age I thought that the feelings of friendship I felt for girls were what it meant to like someone. And then there were those messy feelings I had for boys that didn't fit into the picture and I had no idea what to do with them. So I think it's absolutely normal to doubt any and every part of the experience.<br /><br />One quote I love that I always go back to when I'm feeling down about things is this: "The bad news is that you're falling through the air, no parachute, and nothing to hang on to. The good news is, there is no ground." It's hard to change the expectations you've always had for your life. When I came out I felt like the person I always thought I was had died. Heterosexual, Mormon Josh who was going to get married and have a happy Mormon family died. He was replaced by gay, doubter Josh who has no idea where his life will take him. And it was so difficult because I had to go through the mourning process for the death of who I thought I was. But it's comforting to me to think that "there is no ground." There's no place I have to be. There's no person I have to be. It's my opportunity to create it--and so now a lot of the things that seemed daunting now seem exciting. Instead of despairing over a loss of faith, I get to be excited at the prospect of creating a spirituality that works for me. Instead of mourning the fact that I'll never have a "traditional" family, I'm excited at the prospect of creating a family in total and complete freedom. Straight people have to be bound down by centuries of expectations and tradition, but we get to be utterly free in creating something new. <br /><br />The hard part about coming out to yourself and others as a gay Mormon is that it feels like it destroys your life. It's absolutely demolishing. But destruction is the first step of creation. In order to create something incredible, the way things used to be has to end. And that end is incredibly painful. But just keep walking through it. You will change. Your life will change. Things will not always be what they're like now--so just keep walking through it. Anyway, thanks for blogging. Keep it up. If you ever need someone to talk through things with, let me know. My email is jdefriez@gmail.com.Joshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02429901511386748378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2026956209772634897.post-10421337714779783092013-09-22T09:17:25.667-07:002013-09-22T09:17:25.667-07:00That is an awesome picture! I'm super impress...That is an awesome picture! I'm super impressed. Also jealous.<br /><br />So, I don't know if you have read any of the (somewhat limited) research on physical manifestations of homosexuality. There are a gazillion caveats that go along with it (it identifies traits that are more common in gay populations on average rather than for individuals, much of the research has not yet been replicated, etc.), but there has been research in recent years identifying physical traits that are more common in straight people than gay people. Whether it's genetic or due to the in-utero environment is unclear, but it’s definitely evidence that most gay people aren’t making it up. Here’s a short primer (http://www.impactprogram.org/youth/biological-characteristics-associated-with-homosexuality-2/) but there’s a lot of stuff available online. <br /><br />I had a similar experience when I started college. Somehow a bunch of people in my room eventually started talking about the causes of homosexuality and one girl seemed pretty certain the cause was childhood abuse. I had probably only started telling people a week before, but I got pretty mad and said that I had a great childhood, a good relationship with both parents and my brothers, and had never been abused. She changed her mind pretty quickly and we actually became good friends.<br /><br />I can’t say for sure that this is true, but I assume that you come from a position of strength with your friends. They’ll probably trust you as “one of their own” to some degree, rather than “the other,” and you can at least give them pause in their current thoughts on the issue.<br /><br />Hopefully that made at least some sense. Likely it didn’t. Hope you’re feeling better today.Evanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18400601923599341233noreply@blogger.com